Bloke Taking A Break From The Sauce Can’t Believe How Fucking Long Friday Nights Are
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
With 2022 basically two-thirds of the way done, local piss-cutting legend Joel Schmid (38) is giving himself a break from the booze so that he doesn’t have to commit to a dry 2023.
According to Schmid, cutting down on the booze has been easier than he thought considering that non-alcoholic beers have dug an unAustralian foothold into the market.
However,...
Local Cafe Applauds As Brief Glare From Bullmastiff Shuts Up Yappy Pomeranian
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTPatrons of a French Quarter cafe are praising the work of an English Bullmastiff this morning, after it managed to restore law and order to the animal kingdom.The Advocate understands at approximately 8:42am, tables were packed at Shiba Inu, a Japanese-French inspired brunch destination, renowned for it’s yuzu breakfast cheesecakes.Filled with many of Betoota’s graphic design...
Terror Alert! Council Receives Suspicious Envelope Filled With Nothing But Positive Feedback
RORY SALAZAR | Finance | CONTACT
The Diamantina Shire Council has today barely avoided catastrophe.
This comes as Council officer, Wendy Mitchell (58), who works in the large Customer Complaints and Dispute Resolution Unit that sits within the larger Community Frustration and Lack of Services Department of Council, opened a suspicious envelope and set off a cascade of inescapable events.
Reports confirm that the envelope was...
Advice Column | Using Money As A Tool To Feel Better Than Other People
DR CHET SPEVENS | Finance Expert | Contact
Sitting on your yoga ball at your desk, do you ever glance at your peers with envy and wonder if their pay packet is bigger than yours?
Do you doubt whether you’ve got the average savings amount in your Super for your age cohort?
I know I do.
Sadly, many Australians suffer poor self-confidence from fixating on the negative...
Neighbours Juicy Argument Ruined By Their Crying Child
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Apartment dwellers in Betoota’s Flight Path District got more than they bargained for as they pressed their ears against their doors and tuned in to their new neighbours juicy sounding argument.Residents of the red brick Burlap Gardens apartment block report hearing the sound of a man and a woman arguing at approximately 6:45pm, an ideal time for those...
“Wake Up! You’ll Miss The Best Part Of The Day” Says Dad Before Disappearing For A 45-Minute Shit
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
A Betoota Heights household has been today reminded that sleep is the enemy, especially if you are a teenager.
This comes as toasty winter sleep-in has been spoiled by the Ramsley patriarch, Robbo (51) who takes great issue with the idea of his teenage kids laying in bed beyond 7:15am on a weekend, and 6:15 on a school day.
"Are...
Previously Standoffish Male Coworker Now The Biggest Contributor To Girl’s Gossip Session
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactWhen David Waller had first started his role as a web developer for BBD Media, he’d found himself being one of three blokes in a team of roughly fourteen women - which tends to be the case in anything to do with media, marketing or communications.
As someone who’d previously worked in a male centric workplace at a betting...
Local Girl Begins First And Only Attempt At Changing Him By Drafting Her Feelings In Notes App
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local girl has today learnt the hard way today, that if you find yourself repeatedly typing out your feelings in the notes app, he’s probably not the one.
Katie Hamilton is said to have hit the three month mark with her situationship Aaron, when it had all started to fall to shit - a.k.a, the three month...
Local Woman Asks Masseuse If She Can Have Entire Body Cracked Like A Glow Stick
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAs local woman Jen Seymour treats herself to a thai massage for the first time in her life, she finds herself surprised at just how intimate it is - and also surprised by how quickly she is on board with having a tiny woman essentially sit on top of her, like a human backpack.
Finding herself being lulled into...
Old Kelpie With Digestive Issues Devastated After Ricky Stuart Compares Him To Jaeman Salmon
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT
A 12-year-old local kelpie-cross has today revealed to The Advocate the toll a tough weekend has taken upon him.
Talking to our reporter through Editor at Large Errol Parker's clairvoyant stepdaughter, the dog named Butch explained that he doesn't appreciate being treated like a joke in the nation's media.
"I just don't need that shit in my life...
