LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
With 2022 basically two-thirds of the way done, local piss-cutting legend Joel Schmid (38) is giving himself a break from the booze so that he doesn’t have to commit to a dry 2023.
According to Schmid, cutting down on the booze has been easier than he thought considering that non-alcoholic beers have dug an unAustralian foothold into the market.
However, Schmid was yet to have his sobriety properly tested by a Friday night.
Now sober as a bird but with none of the freedom, Schmid has learned the true length of an evening that is usually a brown blur to him.
“Fucking hell, is my clock busted?” asked Schmid, as he looked up from his book to see that no time had passed.
“Have Friday nights always been this long? Or this because of a stupid daylight savings thing?”
“There is still so much night to go! Do people actually do this? I’m so bored I’m considering bashing my shins against the coffee table for fun!”
Schmid then considered calling up some friends to see what they were doing. Unfortunately for the temperate young man, his friends were predictably, and correctly, spending Friday night knocking the top off a few coldies.
“Fuck this,” stated Schmid, before grabbing a bowl and a pair of scissors, preparing to downgrade his sobriety to ‘no alcohol.’
