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KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A local fuckwit and fade enthusiast has displayed sheer arrogance this afternoon, chucking a tantrum in the face of a barber swallowed by debt. Brad Oakley, a 29-year old labourer and long rumoured steroid user, decided to publicly vent his frustration at the prospect of waiting more than 10 minutes to have his buzz cut tended to. Speaking...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT If there’s one thing local woman Brea Perry simultaneously loves and hates about working with children, it’s the ridiculous things that come out of their mouths. From random quips about their favourite TV shows to nonstop questions about absolutely everything, kids offer an endless stream of entertainment - like drunk people, but smaller. However, one thing Brea can do without...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT There’s no denying the recent lockdowns have been hard on businesses of all shapes and sizes (with the exception of the large businesses that made a profit due to JobKeeper).  One such segment that had to cease business entirely are the pubs and clubs across mainland South-East Australia who had to close their doors for up to five...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The entire guest list at a South Betoota wedding ceremony have been made aware that the father-of-the-bride has been working on his memoirs, after having to sit through his 45-minute speech, which was full of irrelevant and tedious tangents. His constant turning of pages on the written notes became excruciating for the guests, who know for a fact that...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT An office appears tense in the Betoota Finance district today, as a new company hire continues to frighten colleagues with anti-social, cold-blooded behaviour. After two weeks on the job at tech finance firm XeroTac, co-workers are keeping close watch of new recruit Adrian Campos and his affection for sadistic behaviour in the form of scolding hot, caffeinated...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local office worker has made an interesting u-turn this week, after a big piece of news from the cryptocurrency world. Despite spending years saying that crypto is the future of finance because of it's de-centralised nature, Brad Parker has now revealed that he thinks the Commonwealth Bank (CBA) getting on board is great news. The Betoota Grove...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT As she opens the fridge, local woman Izzie Newitt ponders which disgusting milk alternative to put in her morning coffee – oat, soy, cashew, rice, or coconut. It’s alleged all three of the female housemates at the Daroo household were found to have some kind of stomach issue or intolerance, ranging from lactose and gluten to FODMAP. These gastronomical...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Australian Prime Minister's humiliation on the world stage is far from complete, as the Glasgow climate change summit becomes less about world leaders trying to save the world, and more about how Scott Morrison cannot be trusted as a diplomat. In fact, Scotty From Marketing has dropped the ball so badly that no amount of horse races and...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A Fitzroy-based Social Media Activist has taken things to the next level today, by actually doing something about an issue other than just posting online. The #NupToTheCup warrior who posts about horse racing on the first Tuesday in November every year, has decided to leave his inner-city enclave and physically act on an issue that he claims to...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Liberal MP Tim Smith has received some welcome good news today, with revelations that a mate of his dad is going to sort him out. The Member for the toff suburb of Kew has managed to snag a high flying barrister to help make all this drink driving stuff go away. "He's gonna get me the Scotch College...