Breaking News

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Local woman Rochelle Keough is sick of the dating scene. After several failed dates, ranging from lack of chemistry to clear signs of psychopathy, Rochelle is now experiencing some major Bumble burnout. But at the age 28, Rochelle had unfortunately fallen victim to the societal expectation that being a single woman in her 30s was a fate worse than death,...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A young Betoota Plains family is dealing with a rather volatile situation today, after some devastating entertainment news broke. This comes after Rob Penny stupidly decided to fill his two little toddlers in on the news that Yellow Wiggle Emma Watkins is leaving the musical group. Immediately realising what her moron boyfriend had done, mother Charlotte had to...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Local property developer Jim McGoon (66) has bitten into his own forbidden fruit today as he dobbed himself in to the police after he laughed too loudly at a rerun of Fawlty Towers. The mid-to-late ‘70s sitcom featured Monty Python’s John Cleese as Basil Fawlty, a put-upon hotel owner who is not very good at his job.  Like any English...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT Local woman Savannah Hobbs isn’t really a fan of tattoos, but a nightclub entry stamp has her rethinking her stance. It’s alleged the 22-year-old Betoota Heights local had gone out on the piss last Saturday night with her mates, making use of the restrictions easing by dancing up a storm at ‘The Toot.’ Donning her skimpiest outfit and reeking of...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT The old guard may be fading away in worksites across Australia as local bricklayer Darren Roon (24) outed himself as a feminist ally by catcalling a man as well. Catcalling, also known as ‘street harassment’ or ‘dickhead self-identifying system,’ is the act of making sounds or gestures, often of a sexual nature, towards a stranger in public. Women are most...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A Sydney man is in hell right now, it can be confirmed.  With his first Saturday of freedom rolling round after a long winter of lockdown, Brad Clifton is currently hopping from mattress to couch in some home depot supercentre shit hole.  “Fuck,” he sighed to one of our southern reporters, as he took some reprieve on an overpriced mattress...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT After 18 long months, our state's tourism industry has confirmed today that they have kinda had enough of this whole closed borders thing. With the JobKeeper supplement winding up as people outside of the industry return to a normal life, the people who make a living from tourism say they are ready to be part of the nation...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT As he sadly sifts a fork through his salad, local bloke Julian Carter begins to question if the abs are worth it or if he should just start embracing the dad bod. A proud ‘gym rat’, Julian was known to frequent the local gym up to five times a week, often seen sporting a stringlet and perspiring in front...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The nation's largest distributor of news has shocked many this week by pulling a complete u-turn on a major issue. NewsCorp and its mastheads like the Herald Sun, Courier Mail, and Daily Telegraph have come out to throw their support behind transitioning to a net-zero climate-friendly future. The support for a clean future comes after nearly two decades...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local human rights activist has caused a bit of a scene down in the French Quarter today, by abusing a fascist hospitality employee. Andie Vachscer reportedly unleashed on the minimum wage cafe worker this morning, after she was refused entry for not producing a jab passport. The incident occurred at the Penny Far Thing on Carlton...