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EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE | CONTACT A local bloke has hit it a little too hard on the pre-drinks tonight, taking himself out before it even hit 8 pm. As someone who considered himself quite piss fit, James Henderson had overestimated his ability to hold his liquor, which may have been amplified by his insistence on doing shots – even reportedly knocking back three...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Guests at a Betoota Ponds Halloween party were astutely underwhelmed today as the town’s most boring man came dressed as himself.  At 35 years old, accountant Tim Smith still has the go in him to organise a costume ahead of Halloween but chose not to as he thought it would be ‘funny’ if he dressed as himself, despite the...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local fitter and turner has levelled up this week, by splashing out on a shiny new gadget.  Brandon Williams has finally caved and bought himself an air fryer, after listening to friends and family talk the device up for months. “It sounded mad, so I just thought I’d grab one with my overtime cash from the other day,” the...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT Wax is pouring and wicks are in high demand, as a South Coast gift shop begins working overtime in preparation for the incoming flood of Sydney’s day-trip tourists. Local candle and nicknack boutique ‘Dusk til Dawn’, has this week poured fifteen tonnes of Vanilla and Bergamot scented soy wax, as Sydney’s linen clad yuppies prepare to inundate...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Prime Minister has been caught up in a sticky situation today, being stopped by customs officers at the airport in Glasgow. The Bloke In Chief was questioned in Scotland a short time ago, as he heads to the Cop26 climate summit, where he'll inevitably embarrass the nation on the world stage. Morrison was reportedly pulled up by...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT It's been a tough year for Sydney teacher Georgia Simpson, something she'll always happily tell anyone about at length. While the logistical nightmare that is teaching from home via the internet has finally come to an end, the return to the new classroom has created new challenges. The department policy that requires all students wear a mask in...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A professional showboat has enjoyed publicly pleasuring himself this afternoon, after posting a 400-word essay on LinkedIn to announce he’d received his First Aid Certificate. James Handcock, a 27 year old Marketing Assistant from OhMyDOoH Media, decided to use his recently acquired (compulsory) training as an opportunity to jackhammer his personal brand across LinkedIn. The lengthy post which...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT An entire workforce of carbon-exposed tradesmen have today declared their disgust with the man they voted for in 2019. This comes as Scotty From Marketing announces his vague new commitments to Net Zero Emissions by 2050 just days before he flies to Glasgow to get photographed with the world leaders who are refusing to give him submarines unless he...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local manly man has brought on a few subtle grins down at a Betoota Heights mechanic today, after carrying on just a little bit. Accountant Wil McCrighton did so when he decided to take his wife's sensible and economically smart Kia Rio in for a bit of a service. The son of a builder and nurse who...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Father of three Cameron Hughes has embraced tradition today by refusing to throw away a disintegrating 18-year-old football as he believes it will be good to go after a pump. After his children decided to have a kickaround, Hughes dug out his old footy that he bought back when he had a full head of hair. Upon discovering the old...