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WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT After a third straight day of drying, Betoota Lakes local Zach Simpson has finally decided to bring his washing in. After testing his clothes moisture content by touch during the previous two days, the young man can finally confirm that they were just cold, and not in fact wet. "One of life's great enigmas." “You touch them and they feel wet,...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A Betoota Heights father of four really put his back into yesterday afternoon, it can be confirmed. Returning home from work just before sunset, Geoffrey Watson was reportedly seen going hell for leather on the rose bushes out the back. With the grass not quite ready for its weekly mow and not enough time to start on that...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A starving road worker has decided to play some ‘Caltex Roulette’ this morning, rolling the dinner dice on a chicken and mayo sandwich from his local service station. Cursing himself for once again forgetting his pre-prepared lunch, 32-year-old Maintenance Operator Brad Vaughan is understood to be peeling the soggy bread from a plastic container, and weighing...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT NSW Premier Dominic Perrottet has today offered up an interesting solution to the issue raised by Federal Greens Leader Adam Bandt. Bandt has caused quite a stir today by moving the Australian flag from behind where he was supposed to give a press conference. That move h sent culture warriors into a rabid frenzy, with countless headlines about...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT A favourable boyfriend is firming up his position on the Christmas gift list this afternoon, after treating his future Mother-in-law to a luxury birthday present. Walking up the garden path to a home in Betoota Heights, it’s reported local boyfriend Edward River (28) has come bearing gifts to a birthday dinner. Knocking on the door with the...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Australian Taxation Office has revealed today that they simply cannot wait to see some of the statements that come their way this year. With the end of the financial year just around the corner, the ATO said they are keeping an eye on one group in particular - the multinational gas companies that make huge profits from Australia's...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has today confirmed that Scott Morrison’s weird little made up ‘National Cabinet’ will continue moving forward. Initially established during the pandemic as a way for the former Prime Minister to spread the blame of public health fuck ups, The National Cabinet would meet every couple of months and discuss things like why the vaccine was...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT One of the nation's greatest economic minds has today offered his opinion on the biggest news story of the day. Betoota Grove's Alexander Silver-Spoon has revealed that today's minimum wage increase is one of the stupidest decisions he's ever seen. "It really is," laughed the young finance pig. The comments from the old Whootonian (Betoota's $35,000 a year...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Overnight, Queensland Police have charged 39 people with blackmarket grocery offences, including cultivating and trafficking a commercial quantity of lettuce. Police say the $400 million crime syndicates targeted in yesterday's statewide raids is the biggest in Queensland history. This comes as as growing number of working Australian families are forced to go engage with the underworld in an effort to...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The nation's energy crisis has deepened once again today, with consumers wondering where the madness will end. The Australian Energy Market Operator has warned parts of the Eastern Seaboard could face blackouts moving forward, as the nation deals with a 'shortage of energy.' One of the coldest winters in living history is one of the excuses being offered up...