ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

“Global politics and challenging Chinese hegemony in the Indo-Pacific is like doing a complex dance,” said the Prime Minister this morning in Rockhampton.

“You need to move in a way that keeps all parties happy because when you start treading on toes, people, uh, I mean your dance partners, begin to grow tired. During the last government, we stood on more toes than a mean-spirited hooker. It’s, ah, uh, a rugby union analogy. Uh, I mean they stamp on the other hooker’s feet in the scrum to gain an advantage. You get what I mean.”

Anthony Albanese spoke to media as he visited Queensland’s Beef Week at the Rockhampton Showground today. Over the weekend, a Chinese jet had fired flares at a Navy helicopter off the coast of South Korea, forcing the crew to take evasive action.

“I have expressed my deep concerns regarding the incident off the coast of Korea to the Chinese Government. I have said it was unacceptable to do that in international waters. I trust it will not happen again,” he continued.

“Because at the end of the day, you can make a fuss about it and next thing you know, we’re trying to sell Brahman hump to the Poms and 14-micron wool to the fine people at Carpet Court. We’d be sincerely buggered without China. Our economic outlook is not good. It will be dire without the might of China buying our produce. Our economy performs three major tasks these days. We educate Chinese and Indian people. We dig things out of the ground. We speculate on property.”

“China launders hundreds of millions, if not billions, of filthy dollars through our real estate market each year. Who’s buying that half-acre block in Russell Lea for $8.88m? It’s sure as heck not Tom Smith from Double Bay. It’s some holding company based in Guangzhou that makes precursor chemicals for fentanyl and methamphetamine. Funds get wired to Mr and Mrs Georgiou and away they go. They pay their taxes and stamp duties and everyone’s richer.”

“If we turn that tap off, we might all have to accept the fact that most people in this country are swimming nude and the only thing keeping their modesty intact is that the tide never goes out in Australia. Without China, it sure as heck could.”

More to come.


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