HARVEY TWAT |OutrageContact

Listen up you no good pumpernickel rounds with candied candle wax in your lilly ears, it’s Anzac season and I will not tolerate another of your big stinky opinions about the human cost of war and why it’s decidedly ‘not woke’ to mourn a failed invasion we were strongarmed into by the greatest monarchy on Earth.

Why not? Two words; the diggers.

Who were the diggers you ask? Dumb question, educate yourself for a change because I certainly won’t. The diggers died for my right to not answer your stupid questions and your freedom to waste my time by asking them. To celebrate the momentous ANZAC season I hereby present a list of things the diggers decidedly did not fight for.

1. Craft Beers

After a long day of trench warfare, surely an easy drinking beer is the solution to refreshment and not the incessantly hopped wine glass ‘woke ales’ that aim for neutrality in both carbon and gender? Perhaps it’s best we left the strong ales, and trauma, behind in Flanders.

2. The Stuffing In A Supermarket Roast Chook

Even you blue haired little lefties agree with me on this. Chook shop stuffing is a glorious treat, I spread it on my morning toast, but the stuffing from a Coles or Woolies roast chook is an exercise in bland monotony that can only truly be understood by the four women who have previously been married to me.

3. “Social Media Influencers”

It may surprise some ‘internet influencers’ to know that the diggers once had this thing known as a job. That job was to protect your baboon pink asses from miscellaneous foreign threats. In short, stop trying to influence the world without a major media deal! 

4. Bondi Rescue

Can you ever imagine a digger watching that? Of course you can’t, it’s rubbish. NEXT!

5. Hedge Mazes

Anyone who has ever gotten lost in one knows for certain that no digger would have ever given their life for a hedge maze. Aside from being an unpatriotic horticulture arrangement, hedge mazes lack heating and once night falls turn into shivering wind tunnels, ceasing only when the 16 year old worker who should have remembered there was still one person in there returns to let you out the next day. 

Unfortunately, your shoes are never found but perhaps you can find some Anzac spirit just for bloody once and return your mother’s calls Markus, this is getting ridiculous! When she can’t get through to you she calls me and she knows I hate her!


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