KENT REGINALD | The World | Contact
First Lady of the United States and woman who no one knows for sure can read, Melania Trump, is being hailed as a hero of the left and a champion of free movement and open borders this week, after officially becoming the first immigrant to ever leave an ICE Detention Centre.
Mrs. Trump, who was born in Slovenia, made history this week after she bravely visited a US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) detention centre in Texas to laugh at children that had been ripped from their families. Despite being an immigrant and a woman, Mrs. Trump was able to leave the camp completely unharmed and with almost all of her children accounted for, a move which being lauded as ‘unprecedented’ by political scientists.
“It really is a watershed moment for America”, said Dr. Barry Stevens of Georgetown University’s Political Science department. “Here we have a government agency running literal concentration camps for immigrants, destroying families and emotionally and mentally scarring children, and yet all it took was for one brave woman to stand up and say ‘Enough. I’m bored of these crying children’”.
“For immigrants across America, Mrs. Trump stands out as a true icon of what the American dream is all about – that if you work hard, believe in yourself, and marry a rich narcissist, you too can one day get to make enjoy the misery of others”.
Despite her heroic actions, the Immigration and Customs Enforcement department themselves claimed that Mrs. Trump’s release from the centre was simply due to a clerical error, and reassured it’s supporters that it had not all of a sudden become compassionate or empathetic.
“Mrs. Trump’s departure from the detention facility in Texas was due to a misunderstanding in one of our orders”, said ICE Director and man who once burned the roof of his mouth on a Quesadilla and has never forgiven Mexico, Thomas Homan. “As per the orders we received, our on-site staff were under the impression that they had to hold Mrs. Trump for 3-4 hours. Unfortunately, it was only later that we realised that the President had misspelt the word ‘whores’”.
Mrs. Trump herself, meanwhile, attracted headlines not only for her brave act, but for the bold fashion statement she made while doing it – wearing a green jacket emblazoned with the words “I Don’t Care. Do U?”
“It was truly a moment that will go down in history – when the First Lady of the United States took a stand against both the hypocrisy of American idealism, AND the English language”