Sydney’s controversial lockout laws were officially repealed last night and while the city remained quiet there were pockets of celebration in the gay precincts and pubs that sell beer from spoiled kegs at a price that is affordable for uni students to drink inside a licensed venue.

However, this has resulted in sharp increase in administration and out-calls for the NSW police, who reportedly received 250,593 noise complaints last night from baby boomers who thought these laws would exist forever and decided to retire in the Sydney CBD, as opposed to Port Macquarie like everyone one expected.

Despite the laws now allowing them to trade past midnight, over 18 venues were handed fines of up to $30,000 for the unconscionable crime of operating a venue that sounds like it has people in it.

The Liberal State Government, who announced their war against night trade in 2014, over two Premiers and one election ago, says they repealed the laws because they were impressed with the results of the prohibition-style venue lock-outs against alcohol consumption and live music.

They believe the key was to lower foot traffic by 90% and destroy the hopes and dreams of entire generation of young people.

And now, with all of the dirty westies choosing to party in Parramatta over Kings Cross, the laws have been repealed to allow the new gentrifying residents the opportunity to buy a bottle of shiraz after the theatre.

“The streets are definitely safer, there’s no doubt about that” says Premier Gladys Berejiklian over a late night earl grey.

“Obviously, there is still the unresolved issue of a few restaurants and ice cream stores that feel the need to play upbeat and vibrant music past 9pm in Kings Cross and Surry Hills”

Berejiklian says this kind of anti-social behaviour is a worry in contemporary Sydney, as her entire Government depends on the sale of inner city council housing blocks to developers, who are more inclined to build high rises in suburbs that don’t have people walking in them.

However, last night it seems Sydney was back to it’s old ways, with live music reportedly being heard after 9pm.

“My office is working with the nearby baby boomers who complain about the noise affecting their property value” said Berejiklian.

“We don’t want to have to do this, but if it goes back to the way it was, I’ll just bring the laws back in and shoe-horn all of these drunks back into the casino”

Local Baby Boomer, Adam Quincy-Whitely (65), spoke to the Betoota Advocate about this issue.

“My generation never had it easy! So what if we decided to buy up four terrace houses each in the middle of Sydney’s rowdiest night strip. I shouldn’t have to put up with noise if I don’t want to!”

“I’m a Caucasian post-war Australian. I’ve never had to make a compromise in my life, and I don’t plan on starting now!”

If you are also an inner-city Sydney retiree who spent every weekend in the sixties off your head on psychedelics but now can’t seem to understand people would want to stay up past 10pm, you can visit either of the following websites to complain about noise. Or you can just clog the city’s emergency services by calling up the cops eighteen or so times:…/rep…/noise/neighbourhood-noise…/know-neighbourhood-noise-restr…/


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here