ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

“Don’t talk to me about prisons!” he laughed.

“I’ve lived in one my whole life!”

The four-hundred-and-sixty-second case of coronavirus in the Greater Betoota Economic Zone was diagnosed at our town’s Base Hospital this morning and the victim couldn’t be more chipper.

Zachary Taylor, 25, recently returned home from the United States last week where doctors say he contracted the deadly COVID-19 virus after sharing a number of marijuana cigarettes in California’s Bay Area.

The Betoota Heights barman said he felt a little sick on Friday and decided he better “air on the side of caution [sic]” and get himself tested.

He spoke candidly to The Advocate from the juliet balcony of his studio apartment. Our reporter had an umbrella up to prevent droplets landing on them.

“Turns out I’ve been kissed by the pangolin!” he laughed.

“My doctor reckons I should be OK at home because I live alone and I’m healthy as Gorden Tallis was on any Tuesday after a Mad Monday,”

“Then then the doctor went on to talk about putting myself in self-isolation and what impacts that might have on me mentally but I just had to woo the cunt up and explain that I’m a middle child and he shouldn’t be talking to me about self-isolation because I’ve lived a fucking life of it. I’ve been in self-isolation for a quarter of a fucking century, you stethoscope-wearing poon,”

“He just nodded and said the hospital had counselling but as I had the pangolin’s curse coursing through my veins, it’d have to be over the phone so fuck that.”

More to come.

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