ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Minister for Resources and Northern Australia has doubled down on claims he’s a living dinosaur by telling reporters he’s recently started eating paleo to be more in line with the prehistoric era in which he was born.

Matt Canavan said he was inspired in part by his love of coal and other fossil fuels and his loathing of processes grains and the sun.

“I’ve done my research on this so-called diet,” said the 42338-year-old senator.

“And I think it sounds much healthier than any other diet out there. Certainly healthier than any other of the Nationals. Most of my colleagues live exclusively off white bread and some sort of processed meat,”

“That’s really bad for you. You might as well eat cigarettes.”

The Advocate reached out to a number of other Nationals today who’ve also been labelled dinosaurs by the ABC and other media entities of that ilk.

Almost instantly, Barnaby Joyce phoned back saying he’s not a fan of the paleo diet but supports Matt’s quest to become healthier.

“You won’t see me eating that shit,” said Joyce.

“I’m googling it now as we speak. It looks like you’ve just dumped the chook bucket on the table. There’s shit everywhere!”

“Nope. I’m perfectly happy with bacon and eggs for dinner, thank you very much. Now fuck off and leave me alone.”

David Littleproud, our federal member here in the great south west, also phoned back to say he’s done his research on the caveman diet and it’s not for him.

“They say no grains and no dairy,” he said.

“How is a man supposed to govern without eating 16 weetbix in the morning? If you can’t eat 16 weetbix in one sitting, you should join The Greens and chain yourself to every gidgee tree this side of the Bulloo, you should!”

“What did ring about again? Coal? Oh, yeah, wait hold on. I’ve got some notes on that. Ok, you ready? Ahem. Coal is needed to raise the baseline power in Australia and will help create jobs. How did that sound? I can do it again if you want to put it on radio? Does it sound good? Wait. Let me record it again.”

More to come.


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