It was a sombre day in the Betoota Industrial Estate yesterday as would-be craft brewer Wallace Steinbehr finally pulled the pin on his craft brewery weeks before it was due to open to the public.

The former die-casting factory, deep in the heart of the Hexavalent Chromium Decontamination District, had been fully fitted out for its new life as the Purple Monkey Dishwasher Brewery but it was all for nothing as Steinbehr was forced to concede he was unable to grow suitable facial hair; such as a Ned Kelly beard or even a Salvador Dali moustache. 

“I had it all” explained a devastated Steinbehr.

“Four 40,000L fermentation vats, a chalkboard to write funny sayings on, a full refrigeration fitout, milk crates for seats and wooden reels for tables, a stupid name, astroturf as far as the eye can see. But who would buy a beer off a man without facial hair? Look at me. I’m a freak. Look at me!” 

Erin Hirsute, a spokesperson for the Australian Small Business And Facial Hair Resource Centre, said 60% of Small Businesses fail in the first 3 years of operation, although most are not facial-hair related.

“Yeah, I mean you already said what I was about to say in my intro, so I guess you don’t need a quote from me now” she explained.  


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