A scolding hot long black coffee has this morning shown its true colours, having burnt the shit out of its owner’s mouth with just one sip – effectively preventing the owner from enjoying any other food or flavoured drink for the remainder of the day.

The long black in question was bought from the Betoota airstrip McCafé, it’s understood that the caffeinated beverage The Advocate was able to speak with the coffee shortly after the vengeful attack.

“Yeah I did it, what of it?”

“I know my roots, I knew as soon as I hit his lips he’d chuck me in the bin”

“I didn’t want anyone else to have him” said the long black.

While the long black’s actions may seem abnormal, according to Simon Dalman, Italy’s Coffee Ambassador here in Betoota, there’s an entire world of coffee personalities that’s yet to be discovered.

“Eh, a yes.”

“In Italia we’re purists, so it is ok for us to be drinking a macchiato – and if you ask the coffee, it’s happy to enter our mouths.”

“But you, eh, Westerners, think you know coffee better. Think you’re better than the rest, that’s why you drink soy lattes and use almond milk”

“Those coffee’s look down on long blacks and macchiatos.”

“They say people look like their dogs, but really, it’s people are like their coffees”

More to come.


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