ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

An International business student turned spy for the People’s Republic of China isn’t a country boy. He knows the ins and outs of agriculture, he can tell the difference between Santas and Droughties.

But you need to know more than that to join the Nationals.

So the 25-year-old student, Zhang ‘Brett’ Wei, is going to country boy school.

Because earlier this year, his handlers tasked him with infiltration the Nationals as part of China’s plan to infiltrate the political system of Australia. Aside from One Nation, it’s set to be the hardest nut to crack.

As part of his research into the nation’s most influential mining and coal seam gas lobby group, Brett came to the unsettling conclusion that he needs to learn to walk the Nats walk before he can even think about applying for membership.

He spoke briefly to The Advocate this morning, as 51% of this newspaper is owned by the Chinese Government, about what he plans to do next.

“Ah,” he started.

“I’ve been walking up to various women in bars, clubs and parks. I slide my strongest hand down their back and whisper ‘G’Day Mate’ in their ear. I have been arrested three times and bashed repeatedly. Police have told me I’m about to be deported if I get caught again,”

“So besides that, I have been learning the things that famous country boy Andrew Broad has said makes a good country boy. I have been taking horse riding lessons for a couple weeks. I can trot now but going faster is too scary. And I have been taking flying lessons and my instructors say I’m making good progress,”

“But the last part, to know how to fuck my woman? I am confused. How does a woman become mine? Does he mean in terms of emotions or like property? Can I learn by having sexual relations with a woman who is not mine? Or is this a skill you learn from having repeated sexual encounters with the same woman who is your property? Many questions.”

The Advocate reached out to former Nationals member Andrew Broad for comment but have yet to receive a reply.

However, The Nationals head office responded to our reporter’s request for comment but accidentally attached the lunch menu for Manuka’s famous Bambusa Asian Cuisine in the email.

More to come.


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