“Consider our epidemic of off-field incidents resolved” shouted NRL CEO Todd Greenberg as he loosened his tie and gave a fist pump to the roaring crowd of players and sponsors.

“We did it. The boys are playing great footy on the field and are quiet as church mice off the field!”

These were the comments heard shouted through a PA system at last night’s celebratory Mad-Monday in March event hosted at the NRL headquarters, celebrating two full weeks without a scandal in the rugby league.

While it is not yet known what the direct cause of this lull in assaults, sex tapes and alcohol-fuelled incidents is – the NRL and the Nine network has been quick to treat themselves.

With a hand-your-phone-over-at-the-door policy, topless waitresses and a never ending open bar, executives and players tied one on last night to celebrate the 14 days since a headline

Greenberg, who has been under siege from the media for over the last few months, appeared to be the most elated at this new milestone.

“People were asking me to stand players down forever.” he roared

“People were asking me and Peter to stand down. But you know what?

“I’m not fucken leaving!”

“We’re not fucken leaving!”

“The show goes on!!!”

Greenberg then broke out into a Wolf Of Wall Street type chest thump as the hundreds of contract NRL players in the room began to hum along.

“Uh hummm!” echoed out through surrounding parklands.

“Uh hummmm!”

While media analysts say this current hot streak of little-to-no NRL scandals could be related entirely to the fact that there is much scarier shit happening in the news, as well as a NSW state election happening this week and a Federal Election in the next few months – but the players say it’s all because they simply decided to pull their heads in.

“It also helps that we are now either training or playing for 85% of the week” said one heavily tattooed NRL recruit, who chose to remain anonymous because he’s married and probably shouldn’t be behaving like that.

“We’ll see how we go. It’s always a long Winter”


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