The AFL is crisis this week, after light has been shone on a systemic programme of covering up positive drug tests that most young blokes thought was common knowledge.

This come after explosive comments made in Federal Parliament last week, in which Independent Federal MP Andrew Wilkie alleged he had a signed statement from former Melbourne doctor Zeeshan Arain claiming the AFL conducted illicit drug tests to help players avoid being detected on game days.

Wilkie – who is also credited with blowing the whistle on the misconduct of the Hillsong Church, gambling lobby, and the price-gouging supermarket duopoly – appears to have blown open a culture of AFL clubs protecting players who have been abusing illicit substances by ruling them out of independent testing with fictional injuries.

While most people who’ve ever gotten on the piss, or the bags, with a professional AFL player will confirm that they knew about this get-out-of-jail-free card years ago – the entire Victorian politico-sporting establishment are pretending to be shocked by these revelations.

AFL CEO Andrew Dillon has responded to these claims by announcing that that the league was reviewing its illicit drugs policy. Meanwhile, the AFL Doctors Association branded Wilkie’s allegations as a “distortion”.

As AFL fans begin scouring through the last couple years of ‘pulled hammies’ and ‘sore shoulders’ that popped up in their team lists following big wins, the Australian media are also feigning shock at the insinuation of cashed up young blokes indulging in the recreational abuse of cocaine and other party drugs.

Meanwhile, north of the Barassi Line in rugby league country, sporting administrators are praising this kind of genius rug-sweeping.

“I can’t believe we didn’t come up with something like this” says prominent NRL executive, Steele Cutter (68), as he begins making phone calls down south to get the AFL blokes to explain in detail exactly how they’ve managed to be complicit in helping their players evade both the law and the doping agencies for the best part of a decade.

“I spose we are more concerned about HIGHLIGHTING the positive tests… Haha.”

“Nothing like a random drug test the day after a Grand Final winners mad monday. “Great way to get a player off the books and open up the salary cap”

“Sorry Benny Barba haha”


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here