According to a recent statement by Parks Australia, the imminent ban on climbing Uluru will not have a dramatic effect on tourist numbers.

The Government body responsible for the care of Uluru said visitor figures had been steadily increasing over the last six years, including prior to the announcement of the closure.

“In 2018-19, the park welcomed 395,338 visitors, a 20 per cent increase from the previous financial year,” a spokesperson told the ABC.

These hard numbers inconveniently clash with One Nation leader Pauline Hanson’s calls for the climb to remain open, citing fears tourists would no longer want to visit the sacred site.

Speaking to ABC radio in Alice Springs, Senator Hanson said she “wouldn’t bother” visiting Uluru if she could not climb it.

“I think it’ll deter a lot of people from actually going out there if they can’t climb the rock,” she said.

However, Hanson’s warnings came too late for one family of extremely loud and very fat Americans this weekend – who are fuming they can’t take part in an exerting two hour hike up the freezing Uluru surface.

“This is abe-so-lute Aurssie bullshyet” says the family patriarch, Brian Montana.

“We flew all the way over here to do two things. Eat some kangaroo and climb Ulu-gotdam-Ru!”

Brian, whose wife and both sons claim to have brielfy lost consciousness after walking the entire length of Bondi Beach last week, says if they had known they couldn’t risk their lives battling dangerous winds on top of the sacred landmark, they would have never flown here.

“This is..”

“[heavy breathing]”

“Absolute Horseshit. Wouldn’t get this back home. Not in the land of the free”


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