The Nation

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In an incredible turn of events down on the NSW/Victorian Border, a bloke named Brayden McQueen hs just managed to beat the police border check. Speaking to us from some back street of Lavington, the young man said he decided he didn't want to risk being turned back to the COVID-Republic of Victoria, and decided to just launch...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A self-described male feminist from our town's French Quarter has suggested that maybe an inheritance tax wouldn't be the best way to break down class and wealth barriers between Australians. This man introduced himself as Franklin H. Grant and constantly referred to himself in the third person throughout the interview. In a discussion amongst friends by...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Prime Minister took time out of his busy morning to speak exclusively to The Advocate, where he tried to put a number of anxieties facing young people to bed. Scott Morrison explained that this COVID-19-induced recession has largely destroyed any real growth or opportunities for lower-middle-class and working-class Australians to realise their hopes...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Jeffrey Epstein's longtime confidante Ghislaine Maxwell has been transferred to a New York jail to face charges that she allegedly recruited women and girls, one as young as 14, for Epstein and other very powerful people to sexually abuse. Now based in the Brooklyn lock-up, rumours are beginning to circle that Maxwell may have been diagnosed with COVID-19, which...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some genuinely shocking news, Pauline Hanson has made some stupid sweeping statements in an effort to get a bit of attention for her struggling excuse for a political party. The One Nation leader appeared on breakfast television this morning to criticize the locked up housing commission residents for not speaking English and being 'drug addicts.' The high profile...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Australian Stock Exchange has opened softer this morning amid fears Melbourne's recent spike in coronavirus cases will trigger a wider outbreak. News that the market has tumbled this morning caused Toorak private banker, Michael John-George, to purse his thin little lips and nod solemnly at our reporter this morning via Skype. "It's not good news,"...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local only child of two high school teachers has today ramped up her hyper-mature vocabulary in front of other adults. In a precocious display of adultness, Emily Kelly has so far used words like 'perhaps' and 'evidently' - as well as throwing around a few et ceteras. Even though she's only in grade 11, Emily has already figured out...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local boxing gym, that has recently expanded their services to people who don't actually want to fight, has today advertised classes on how to make the intimidating sounds that heavily-tattooed amateur fighters make while warming up. The iconic Bozo's Boxing Gym, in Di Roma street in the Flight Path District, is now offering 'shadowboxing grunts and rope leaning...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | CONTACT Local woman Beth Roberts has attempted to baby proof her house as much as possible but has quickly found out that toddlers have a knack for finding dangerous items in record-breaking time. The frazzled new mum, who like most mums was no stranger to feeling completely isolated from the rest of the world, has reportedly had trouble adjusting...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact And they say value is dead! Australian grocery shoppers (ie people) have been advised to take advantage of a limited-time offer where all trips to the shops will now come with a free story about how no one there was social distancing. This announcement comes off the back of purchasing limits being reintroduced in some supermarkets...