Local News

Herbal Tea Found To Be A Gateway To Crystals, Oils And Anti-Vaxxing

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact A disturbing report by the CSIRO has confirmed that herbal tea is a gateway into other alternative remedies such as crystals, essential oils and not vacinating your kids. The long-term study followed the lives of average Australians and found a staggering 33% of herbal tea drinkers ended up abusing crystals and essential oils. These numbers compare to 2% for coffee...

Suburban Mayor Breaks The Mould By Not Being Directly Related To Any Residential Developers

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In a refreshing change for the rate-payers in Betoota's light industrial Flight Path District, newly elected mayor Keeley Uebergang (56) appears to only represent the interests of those who voted for her. This comes after the Queensland Crime and Corruption Commission (CCC) decided to vet the local councillor, just in case they have to come back out here in...

Rental Car Cops A Big Dirty Tank Of E10

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A soon-to-be returned rental car has today been exposed to a much cheaper 10% ethanol blend, in what local mechanics describe as a callous act of auto-vandalism. Kylie Lee (36), a transient motorist only visiting town for a couple of days told our reporters that she spent several minutes weighing up the decision, before ultimately deciding she really couldn't...

Man Wonders What He Did Wrong After Chinese Takeaway Arrives Without Bonus Prawn Crackers

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Takeaway orderer Fergus Bromwich (34) is wondering what in the world he has done wrong after his Chinese food arrived without any bonus prawn crackers. At approximately 6:30 pm, Bromwich decided to celebrate the weekend by having a few beers and eating dinner in front of the TV by himself, but with the notable exception of spending his disposable...

Home Brew Fails To Sufficiently Fill The Hole She Made When She Left

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Independent home brewer Phil Parkes (34) has failed to set the beer world on fire after his latest batch did not sufficiently fill the hole in his heart left by his ex-girlfriend. Although Parkes is new to homebrewing, he claims to have brewed the finest pale ale he’s ever tasted or at least the best since he shared a...

City Worker Gets On Front Foot Early With Weekend Chores And Stops In At The Schooner Shop

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local city worker named Angus Hunt has gotten his weekend off to a productive start this afternoon. The Betoota Heights local who works in the Old City District from 9-5 every Monday to Friday promised himself at the back end of last weekend that he would make the most of this weekend. "Yeah, I have plenty...

‘One Owner, Always Garaged’ Listing Fails To Mention Decade Of Cutting Hoops In Costco Carpark

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local Betoota Heights resident may be a little guilty of fudging his online car listing this week. Brayden Smith, a 29-year-old engineer, who is looking to do the whole Aussie's in London thing for a year or two, decided to post an ad for his car online in an effort to raise the funds for his overseas...

Alpha Male Jumps Out At The Lights To Adjust Straps

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local chippy has today shown a blatant disregard for the law while asserting himself as the alpha of all motorists currently waiting for the lights in the Betoota Ponds junction. 32-year-old Tom Tripp says he wasn't that sure if his most recent load of plasterboard was 100% tied down, while making a run back from Mitre 10. Without a...

Local Bushie Gets Two Hours Through ‘Roma’ Before Realising It Isn’t Set In Western Queensland

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Retired Betoota cattleman, Ambrose Corones (73) has stopped just short of accusing Netflix of false advertising today, after watching 125 minutes of the 2019 film 'Roma' without seeing one reference to Artie Beetson. Ambrose says this is the thing with the internet, you never know what you are going to get, and last night's confusion would attest to this. The...

New Supply Of Imperial Leather And One Ply In Bachelor Pad Bathroom Suggests Someone’s In Love

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The freshly restocked toiletries in a local sharehouse bathroom has suggested that the safe, slovenly, space may soon be infiltrated by nice smelling perfume and shoes that make noise on the floorboards. With a new bar of Imperial Leather soap, so new that it still has corners, and a fresh role of toilet paper that has obviously been purchased...

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