Headlines

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A bloke that you knew from high school that is trying to get on TV has today hinted at just how serious he is taking his quest for fame. Some say Lionel Gill (28) should have kept his job in media sales for Channel 7, and not put all of his eggs in one basket in his aggressive pursuit...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local woman's hangover seems to be concentrating a lot of it's pain to right behind the left eyeball, it has been confirmed. Without seeing a medical professional about this issue, Kelly Matherson (Dental hygienist, Betoota Heights) has diagnosed herself with 'one of those kinda hangovers'. While last night's prosecco still sits flat on Kelly's tongue, no matter how many...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT The Lord Kidman Hotel in inner-Betoota is currently at panic stations, after a local maid of honour-to-be ordered two magnums of moderately priced sparkling white for a table of already rowdy hens. Becky Littler (nèe Kitson, neè Littler) has never met anyone quite as generous, thoughtful and handsome as her 2nd-hubby-to-be, Craig. That's why this hens party is gonna...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report by the CSIRO has found that the amount of chewy caught up on the low-flush urinal screen in nightclub bathroom directly correlates to how good the pingers are. Lead researcher Professor Lote Berrigan says staff at the West Betoota CSIRO branch have found an undeniable link between how many people are chewing their faces off, and...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Prominent Maronite-Lebanese-Aboriginal-Jewish-Venetian-Irish-Catholic North Queensland MP Bob Katter has quickly learned that the new Senator he stole from One Nation is actually probably more racist than anyone in One Nation. In a provocative first speech to Parliament, KAP's first Queensland senator, Fraser Anning has called for a return to a "European Christian" immigration system, effectively ruling out anyone like Bob...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Television producers at network Channel 10 are reportedly under the pump ahead of tomorrow's season opener of the Honey Bachelor. The once-great youth entertainment channel, which is home to Australian Bachelor and Bachelorette franchise has been hammering its producers to get everything right for the launch of a new series. The new series, which will be featuring the former Wallabies...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |Contact There was an elephant in the room at a bucks party this weekend. Not the fact that the groom’s wife to be had explicitly outlined what she would do if there were strippers present over the weekend. But who would be taking the bullet and giving their credit card to the staff at the hotel reception upon...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact Local bachelor, George De Souza (27) says he doesn't use Tinder much, but when he does, he gets a few bites here and there. Aside from his well written 60 word bio about how painfully uninteresting his life is between his job at Betoota's TAB head office and his sharehouse living arrangement in a relatively mundane South Betoota...

LOUIS BOURKE | Editor | Contact Local unit Jared O’Toole (32) tucked into a well-earned pub lunch only to express a disdain for the coleslaw that was saturated in mayonnaise that accompanied his 800g schnitzel. Taking in a few jars at the Betoota Tavern, O’Toole opted for the schnitzel instead of the chicken burger as to save on carbs. To his detriment, O’Toole discovered that...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Members of the Wentworth Electorate have slammed their sitting member today. The high net-worth and socio-economically well to do electorate has accused their representative, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull of turning his back on them. The criticism comes after leaked photos emerged of the PM parading around in a high visibility vest. Turnbull has yet to fully address the issue, but issued...