Breaking News

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some news that will rile up patriotic Aussies who love this country, a Lismore resident has talked shit about our troops today! After another day of piling precious belongings out on the street for no one to collect, small business owner and lifetime Liberal voter James Simpson has unpatriotically chosen treason. The Northern Rivers local who thought he...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT The Deputy Prime Minister has finally been called upon to do a little bit of work today. Not by helping out in the regions devastated by floods, but by scouring the centre of Lismore in search of some local residents who can help him out. With the government more on the nose than the smell of everyone's belongings...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Despite being unable to move more than 500 troops a few hundred kilometres, Scott Morrison has continued carrying on like nobody else but he can save us from the wrath of China. Fronting the webcam while chucking a sickie, the Prime Minister has warned that we must stay strong in the face of the 'arc of autocracy.' Using...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact Nation’s yuppies have today been rocked to their core, after news broke that it's possible to get a cute dog without breaking a bank. First published in The Australian, an investigative reporter discovered that it was possible to get an instagrammable pooch without spending thousands of dollars, leaving many young Aussies feeling a little stupid for falling...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact The world's Arabic people and people of Arabic descent are celebrating this week, as they prepare to hand the Hollywood Movie Bad Guy Stereotype back to good ol’ evil Russians. Although movies have bigger budgets and a greater pool of creative people than ever before, most Hollywood movies are scared shitless by the idea of taking a single creative...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact At the time of writing, the full extent of the damage caused by floods in SE Queensland and Northern NSW is yet to be fully assessed as the ongoing floods continue to destroy businesses, homes and displace thousands of people. Despite the devastation however, it has provided an opportunity for the region’s jet ski owners to feel justified in...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact As sick leave Scotty continues to isolate himself from regular Australians, our nation’s leader has been watching enough free-to-air TV to actually start believing he’s a good Prime Minister. After getting roused at by Jenny for firing up the Wii bowling, Scotty returned to watching the TV stations owned by his mates and was delighted to learn that...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Namely, the commonly accepted theory that climate change is a myth that has been orchestrated by leftie elites who enjoy seeing coal miners losing their jobs and living in poverty. With a vast majority of Northern NSW and South-East QLD battling never-ended storms and floods, the Great Barrier Reef in the midst of yet another potentially irreversible bleaching event,...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT An interesting morning in Federal politics has taken another bizarre turn, it can be confirmed. Following in the footsteps of Prime Minister Scott Morrison and Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce, Defence Minister Peter Dutton has also gone to extreme lengths to avoid doing some actual work. The former Queensland cop has apparently joined Ukraine's International Defence Battalion, attempting...

KEITH T. DENNETT |New South | CONTACT Australia’s King and Queen of soft-core porn radio are bracing themselves for a difficult week, struggling to work out the best way to report on the current geopolitical crisis unfolding in Ukraine.  After making it through this morning’s news reports, which included several hyper-sexualised jokes about how much people on the Gold Coast love “wetness”, it’s believed...