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Good Samaritan Turns On Hand Dryer For The Grunters When Leaving Bathroom

MATILDA MARTIN | Local News | CONTACT At first glance, Selene Henson, 29, seems like your average person today she’s being recognised as a modern day saint. The Melbourne-based woman is now being recognized for her selflessness, after multiple substantiated reports of Selene lingering near the hand dryer in public toilets and office restrooms in order to provide noise cover for on-the-job poopers and public potty-users. There seems...

Christians Tighten The Belt On Community Outreach Programs Until Israel Folau Verdict

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Pastors representing a range of different Australian churches have today revealed that the collection plates have been going a bit light since last Monday. This comes as the benefactors of the most oppressed and marginalised majority in Australia redirect their goodwill towards a multi-millionaire former Wallabies player who breached his contract by posting homophobic memes on Instagram. Folau, who owns...

Sydney’s Severe Traffic Problems Completely Fixed After 4th Crack At Inner-City Light Rail

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Sydney residents are rejoicing today, after the NSW Premier announced the end of the megacity's comical traffic congestion issues. As of next month, Light Rail vehicles will start making their way into the CBD for day testing in August, with night testing all the way to Circular Quay also shceduled Gladys Berejiklian says it'll be a sight Sydneysiders haven't seen...

Channel 7 Stand By Decision To Broadcast M*A*S*H Reruns Instead Of Barty’s Wimbledon Opener

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Channel 7 has defended its decision to stick with reruns of the prominent 1970s war comedy-drama TV show M*A*S*H rather than show the start of world number one Ash Barty's Wimbledon opener. As has been the case for the last 40 years, the program has been heavily rotated across every commercial TV network for some reason, and last night...

Recently Single Man Shaves Head In Bad Boy Rebrand

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Ned Piston (29) has debuted a shocking new hairstyle today that has caused a number of his close friends to wonder whether he’s ok. Ned, who used to have a full head of luscious hair, had one of his friends shave it off this morning at about 2 am. The Advocate sat down with a hungover Ned to see...

Housemate Wondering When The Beer Man Is Coming To Fill Up The Fridge This Week

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT A local grown man sized bag of human faeces has been left scratching his head this afternoon. Finishing up a big week of work, young Max Smith thought he'd treat himself to a little 5' o'clock shower before heading down to the pub today. However, to his shock and confusion, the young Investment Analysis Specialist was greeted by a...

Presence Of Schoolmate In Uni Lecture Crushes 1st-Year Student’s Dreams Of Re-Inventing Self

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT Things were looking up for young Hugo Watson-Wilson this year. With the start to his university degree all going to plan, a new friendship group formed, a new persona developed, the rest of his post-school life was looking promising. That was until today, when a classmate from his Betoota Grove school strolled right on into his History of...

Q&A Nerds Spend 2 Hours Trying To Figure Out What Football Code Israel Folau Was Sacked From

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Australian TV audiences were up past their bedtime last night watching yet another riveting edition of ABC's Q&A - complete with nameless fringe-cabinet MPs from both the ALP and Liberal Party. Once again the political class butted heads over weird culture wars issues that would never be two-sided unless they were debated by carefully selected panellists. Including one 'people's...

NRL Announce Superstar Joel Turner Will Be Pre Match Entertainment For Origin Game Three

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT The NRL have just confirmed that tonight's incredible pre-match Origin performance won't be a one hit wonder. This comes after Eskimo Joe just rocked Optus Stadium in Perth to it's core, in the most exciting pre-match performance yet. Performing some of their hits that arguably many people may not have heard, the band behind Black Fingernails, Red Wine,...

Perth Overcome With People Asking Where The Pokies Are

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet |CONTACT The capital of the aspiring Republic of Western Australia has today been flooded by hordes of people looking for the Where's The Gold and More Chilli style machines. This comes after some cashed up New South Wales and Queensland Rugby League fans descend on Perth ahead of the 2nd State of Origin game tonight. With the pinnacle of...

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