IN-Focus

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Two local investors have released their forecast for the next financial year today, downgrading their car dreams from a late model Lamborghini Huracan to a 1992 Mazda 121 with no clear coat and fucked piston rings. Both Liam Taylor and Alistair Dollerhyde are, in their own words, "all eggs in one basket" investors. Using...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT As HR reps continue to remind the working masses that we are living in The New Normal, remnants of life spent in lockdown continue to live amongst us, primarily in the form of indoor plants. One such plant owner is Lindsey Balzary of Betoota Heights, who during lockdown purchased enough indoor plants to realistically trick a Lego man into...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A French Quarter man is asking himself the hard questions this afternoon after noticing a detail on a pair of his sister's shoes at the front door. Unfortunately for Jamie Goldsmith, of Rue de Putain, his feet are just a little bit too small to pull of a pair of Cuban heel riding boots. ...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Under the command of General Chris Bowen, the Australian Labor Party stormed the Australian Energy Market Operator (AEMO) building in Melbourne overnight and after an intense, room-to-room fight, raised their flag above the battlefield. Yesterday afternoon, General Bowan held a press conference to declare AEMO "wasn't working in the best interests of the Australian proletariat"...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Betoota Heights man is asking questions this morning after his usual breakfast nuggets from Overell's Feedbag on Stanley Avenue tasted a bit gamey. The popular family restaurant and drive-through diner is owned and run by Joel Overell, the first cousin of The Advocate's editor, Clancy. It's been a Betoota favourite for over a decade...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIn some startling news, it now appears that ‘energy crisis’ is the latest addition to the ‘that’s fucked bingo card’ with five states copping a blackout warning today. It’s reported that power interruptions are expected to hit Tasmania, South Australia and Victoria but it’s the origin states that will be struck hardest by the energy shortfall, likely due to...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The long-suffering father of a local crypto pig has lamented the fact that his idiot son had most of his meagre earnings in Bitcoin and other digital assets, which means he's now destined to spend the rest of his life in the annex out the back of his gorgeous Arts & Craft mansion in...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactThe Sydney Morning Herald has today defended their threats to out Australian comedian and actress Rebel Wilson, by stating that they merely wanted to jump onto the whole 80s trend. The journalist in question ,Andrew Hornery, who is also gay, has come under fire by giving Rebel Wilson two days to answer his email before he published his op...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local publican has this week ghosted a loyal employee, by refusing to inform her that she’d actually been let go. The employee in question, Jacinta McMullan had worked at the Shifty Hen for two and half years as a casual employee, taking up three to four shifts a week as well as being the go to person...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAnd in what might be the most random news of the week, the Australian Capital Territory has agreed to decriminalise small amounts of drugs, which includes ice, cocaine and even heroin. This means that people found with small traces of these drugs would be subject to fines instead of jail time, with police turning their focus to tracking down...