ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

In a sign that things are starting to get worse here in our cosmopolitan desert community, a local sexagenarian has put away the cloth mask his sister-in-law made last year from an old shirt and slipped on an N95 doomsday shield.

They retail for close to $10 each in the French Quarter but 67-year-old retiree Graham O’Pooley says he’s not about to take any risks when it comes to protecting himself from the Sydney Sneeze.

He spoke candidly to our reporter about his concerns.

“That Berejiklian Bark, it’d just about do me in, I reckon,” he said.

“Which, until this unprecedented spike in property prices made me a millionaire three times over from simply owning property, would’ve been OK with me. But because I’m absurdly wealthy just by being born in 1954, I’m not ready to die yet,”

“So for now, at least, it’s time to wear an N95. That’s what the local health authority recommends to protect against this oprego cough. Not as bad as the spicy cough – or the super spicy cough but enough to send me reaching for the milk.”

The Betoota Shire Health Council has echoed Mr O’Pooley’s sentiments, explaining that people who are “old and/or fucked” should be reaching for the N95 masks.

Especially those who are unvaccinated, according to a statement released by the region’s peak healthcare body this morning.

“The Berejiklian Bark, though not as bad as the super spicy cough, will still delete the fuck out of you if you aren’t jabbed yet,” the statement read.

“And it’s not the only version of the Pangolin’s Revenge that’s floating about. You might even get the super spicy variant that dragged a number of poor souls in, Sydney and Melbourne, into the recycling bin of life, right-clicked them, and deleted them forever,”

“So fucken look out because it can happen to you.”

More to come.


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