ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A French Quarter man who lives in a garden apartment has bought himself a leaf blower to tidy the outside area because using a broom is “obviously too hard”.

Unbeknown to the little man, all of his neighbours go to sleep dreaming about putting him down.

One of the unknown man’s upstairs neighbours has spoken to The Advocate under the condition of total anonymity.

“There’s about 20 or 30 apartments that look down into this man’s garden,” they said.

“And each day around lunch, he goes outside and blows leaves back into the garden beds. It somehow takes him about 35 minutes to blow sixteen leaves around a tiled area and into the dirt. He does it every day and it drives me up the wall. Why can’t he use a broom? Why does he do it every day?”

“So when I go to sleep each night, I dream of having a pile of bricks at my window. I watch him down below, blowing the handful of leaves around like it’s some sort of game. Then, when he thinks he’s done, I cast the first brick. I see it sail through the air in a gentle spin, it slowly gets more terminal in its velocity,”

“With a sickly thud, like a thick rump steak covered in eggshells being hit with a sledgehammer, it’s over. Then I put the kettle on, sit in the living room and wait for the police to knock on the door.”

One less unhinged but equally as anonymous neighbour explained The Advocate that while they wouldn’t hurt the man physically, they’d do something like throw a pot of DOT4 brake fluid on his car or perhaps put some in the leaf blower’s fuel tank.

“Oh yeah, that guy upstairs is a lunatic. He’ll probably do it,” they said.

“I’d do something less dramatic like fill the tank up with water or apple juice. I might even ask him to blow leaves less frequently,”

“Other than that, I don’t think there’s much I can do to stop him.”

More to come.


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