ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Deputy Prime Minister returned home yesterday to find a kangaroo swimming in his pool, which he was displeased about.

“Get the hell out of my damn pool!” shouted Barnaby Joyce.

“I’m calling the fucking cops.”

This is just the latest indignity that Mr Joyce has suffered, he tells The Advocate.

Just last week, he had to fish a possum out of a rainwater tank down the side of the house.

“I had been drinking the water for weeks,” he said.

“It wasn’t until it started tasting a bit metallic did I look in the tank and lo and behold, there was a god damn rotting possum in the cunt. You’d never seen a man spew as much as I did on the lawn,”

“And now this God damn fucking kangaroo goes for a swim in my pool? When does it end?”

It’s understood by The Advocate that two probationary constables and an acting sergeant from Armidale Police Station attended the property shortly before lunch today and assisted Mr Joyce in removing the macropod from the pool.

One of the junior constables was instructed by Mr Joyce to shoot the kangaroo with his service pistol but the acting sergeant said that was a bad idea, due to the fact the kangaroo would bleed in the pool and an errant round might puncture the fibreglass above ground pool.

So the junior constable had to get in the pool with the kangaroo and wrestle it out while Mr Joyce stood prepared with a Kookaburra Gold Crown.

“Kangaroos jump in the water when preditors are after them. Things like dogs and Protestants,” Barnaby explained to the acting sergeant.

“In order to drown them. So if this kangaroo tries to drown Probationary Constable Paul Peters, I’m going to smack that kangaroo’s head clean off its shoulders, you hear?”

The acting sergeant nodded and by the time the sentence came out of Barnaby’s mouth, the wet kangaroo was already out of the pool and in the ram paddock.

More to come.


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