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President Trump’s desperate bid to hang on to the White House has verged into “now that’s just sad” territory over the weekend, after his campaign hosted a major press conference at a Philadelphia landscaping business situated between a crematorium and and adult entertainment shop.
Trump was playing golf on Saturday morning when the results came through that Pennsylvania and Nevada had swung blue in the final count, leaving his campaign team to scramble with an impromptu media announcement to continue baselessly accusing the Democrats of stealing the election for Joe Biden.
Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani, famous for that scene in the Borat movie last week, was quickly rolled out to announce that the administration would be contesting the election result in court.
While returning from golf through the crowds of cheering Biden supporters, The President fired off a tweet that was subsequently deleted, where he announced “big press conference” at the Four Seasons in Philadelphia.
Trump quickly altered his tweet, revealing that the press conference was not taking place at the Philadelphia Four Seasons hotel, but Four Seasons Total Landscaping, a small business between a crematorium and an adult book store located on the light industrial outskirts of the city.
“Big press conference today in Philadelphia at Four Seasons Total Landscaping – 11.30am!” read The President’s updated tweet at 9.45am.
“To clarify, President Trump’s press conference will NOT be held at Four Seasons Hotel Philadelphia. It will be held at Four Seasons Total Landscaping – no relation with the hotel,” it said in a tweet an hour later.
‘The Four Seasons Total Landscaping Blunder’ has now saturated the post-election news cycle, as Americans from both ends of the political spectrum begin to question just how few checks and balances are in place to prevent this kind of incompetence.
However, despite calls from Jared Kushner and his own wife Melania to call it, President Trump is still refusing to concede the election.
Instead his team have today regrouped to discuss new strategies to hold on to power.
Arriving straight from the airport, President Trump and his VP Mike Pence spent roughly 30 minutes waiting for someone to open The White House doors so they could head straight to the oval office and talk business.
Secret Service officers stood speechless as the two men attempted to yoink open the doors of the single story shopfront of The White House Painting & More in downtown Washington D.C
“I’ve never come through this door” muttered Pence.
“I also didn’t know homeless people were allowed to get this close to the capital”
At time of press, yet another intern was now staring down the barrel of losing their healthcare benefits in the middle of a global pandemic.
MORE TO COME.