In a rare act of self-reflection, future former US President Donald J. Trump has admitted to sources that the ‘239,000 elderly votes would have helped’ during the election.

Taking a break from challenging every close state that fell the blue way to speak to the press, a sombre Trump admits he wished he’d handled the coronavirus epidemic a little better, if only to ‘increase his chances of winning.’

Proving that the US always has to be first in everything, America led the chart for coronavirus cases worldwide and 239,000 deaths prior to the election. This number has since jumped to 260,000 and appears to be climbing at a rapid rate, with some experts citing that a vaccine is the only solution now to getting it under control.

This statement comes shortly after Trump declared his distrust for mail-in votes leading up the election, likely under the assumption democrat leaning voters were likely to stay home rather than risk the crowd.

His petulance will do little to get him the result he wants, but like any megalomaniac narcissist, he plans on sinking the ship just to kill the captain – while simultaneously digging the knife a little deeper into a country that’s bearing the pain of a relentless pandemic. 

This, in turn, may lead to the development of a vaccine being postponed, as Biden’s team will have to battle the final boss before they can access government information. All of which revolves nicely around Thanksgiving i.e. one of America’s biggest holidays for interstate travel and family get-togethers.

It’s unknown when or how the American people can start to close the divide or if the opposing ideological beliefs of each party will ever progress back to the simpler times, when the Republican party just wanted to take away women’s bodily autonomy,  instead of arguing whether immigrants are actually people as well.

More to come.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here