ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Several tons of novelty t-shirts have arrived in parts of West Africa this morning after the outcome of the missing submersible in the North Atlantic has been decided.

The Advocate, like every other news media organization in the Western world, has sent a team of reporters to New England to cover the missing submarine. Nevertheless, the OceanGate Titan submersible was lost to the deep, and everyone on board was crushed to death when the hull gave way, meaning the owner of a Boston souvenir shop had a small problem.

“I ordered these shirts on Monday, they were here Tuesday. God bless America. Money talks, and the guys in Jersey got them done overnight. I can sell half; the other I sent to the children in Africa,” said Finley Kennedy III, owner-operator of Southie Souvenirs on Shellfish Way in Boston’s South Waterfront.

“Those people in that fuckin’ thing, man. What a way to go! One minute, you’re taking pictures there with your iPhone; the next, you’re chopped liver getting eaten by the fishes. Man, it’s nightmare fuel.”

“I had a cousin, Michael. He went missing fishing this one time. He turned up in Canada. Go figure that. Shame about these people, though. At least they died doing what they loved. Except, uh, that guy who didn’t wanna go, but his dad made him. Poor guy. I had a dad like that; he made me play hockey to toughen me up. I hated him for that, man, but he was a tough guy. He had seen a lot of shit growing up. Yeah, anyway, those kids in Africa will like these shirts. They’re quality stuff, man.”

The Advocate reached out to Oxfam, the charity that has been distributing the novelty t-shirts, for comment but was told they don’t comment on operational matters.

More to come.


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