Former Prime Minister and respected Northern Beaches community elder, Uncle Tony X has returned to the headlines today to clarify the long-circling rumours linking him to the Marriage Equality movement.

Having once held a reputation as pretty much the only thing standing between gays and the institution of marriage, Uncle Tony X has taken aim at his credits – accusing them of being too blind with idealism to see him working day and night behind the scenes to legalise same-sex unions in this country.

Uncle Tony X says he has always felt a kindred connection to the LGBTI community – with the former PM citing the many parallels between the homophobic discrimination they have faced over the years – namely police brutality and systemic institutional exclusion – and the similar but much more genocidal oppression of the Aboriginal people. A community that no one knew he had any ties to until he gave a conditional yes to taking on the job of the Federal Government’s Indigenous envoy.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison did not ask Mr Abbott to be a minister in his new Government, but instead asked him to take on the role of envoy, citing his close association with Aboriginal Australia after growing up in a six bedroom mansion in Sydney’s Northern Beaches and working for the Liberal Party for nearly three decades.

Speaking to the media today at a cafe in a sleepy part of his electorate where he won’t be heckled by the every day voter, Uncle Tony X told reporters that it breaks his heart when people say that he’s always actively made life harder for homosexuals.

“You know my sis… She’s as camp as a row of tents”

“You wouldn’t know it, because she look like just about every other private school mum in my electorate who’s over 50. I didn’t know it”

“Anyway, whatever, turns out her housemate was actually her lover. I didn’t figure that out til halfway through the plebiscite campaign”

Mr Abbott then went on to clarify that he was always a big supporter of the idea of having a debate about who should decide about whether we should have a conscience vote or a non-binding postal survey to gauge everyone’s views on whether or not we should be letting the gays get married.

“As long as they don’t try it on with me!” he said, before poking his tongue out and rocking on his chair with laughter.


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