In an incredible turn of events, our Prime Minister has made a sensational offer to get back in China’s good books.

Speaking this afternoon, Scott Morrison formally apologised to the Chinese government for winding them up, in a backflip of Mike Baird proportions, before extending a very personal and olive branch.

His offer to Chinese President Xi Jinping comes after China threatened to boycott Australian coal, the most valuable political resource in Australia, and our second most valuable export market.

It is being reported this morning that Chinese power stations are reportedly being told to turn their backs on Australian coal, fuelling fears the nation’s government could place devastating restrictions on the commodity our political discourse has been framed around for the last decade or so.

The threat from our largest trading partner and arguably the biggest economy in the world, follows an 80% tariff on Australian barley, a temporary suspension of Australian beef imports from four major abattoirs because of a ‘quarantine breach’ and a threat to boycott Australian iron-ore.

These follow Australia’s push for an investigation into the origin of Covid-19, which is a reasonable sentiment, but probably not something we should be spearheading given our relationship with China.

“I offer a sincere apology and will do whatever needs to be done to ensure China continues to buy our coal,” explained the leader of the party who has done everything to ensure that coal remains at the forefront of the economy at the expense of the economy, budget, and environment.

“We’ve spent years murkying the waters of scientific debate, providing taxpayer-funded infrastructure in the form of rail lines, ports, etc, allowing royalty holidays for numerous resources companies and refusing to crack down on those companies when they avoid paying tax,” continued Morrison.

“And we’d hate to see years of tireless work undone by a couple of stupid comments for cheap political points over the course of a fortnight,” he said.

“So please, please China, don’t boycott our coal.”

“I’ll shut George, Pete, and Michael up, I promise. We are sorry.”

The Greens are set to hold a press conference shortly and are reportedly furious they didn’t come up with the plan to talk shit about China 15 years ago.

More to come.


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