ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Spiritual leader and popular sky man, Jesus H Christ of Nazareth, has phoned our Bloke-In-Chief to remind him that he’s a pretty shithouse Christian at the moment.

The Son of God, who shot to fame in 36 AD after he got crucified by a well-known sociopath called Pontius Pilate, told The Advocate that he’s often in touch with leaders that profess to be Christian around the world and takes time out of his busy days of playing golf with Arnold Palmer and Jarrod Lyle to provide counsel to those leaders.

Sometimes, he says, people need a bit of guidance.

“I reckon he’s cooked it,” said Mr Christ.

“He should’ve just stood [redacted by legal] down while they did the investigation and whatnot. Just stood everyone down involved in any of that. Cut the tumour out and get back on the golf course. But he didn’t, and now every time he goes out to speak on camera, he lies, and everyone knows it. It’s a slow-motion car crash,”

“If he can’t get this thing back on the road, odds are Scott will go down as the most hapless and useless prime minister this country has ever had. The least parliamentary of all of them. At least Tony Abbott, who I know personally and despite what people say, isn’t actually a complete fuckwit in his personal life. He fucking loves me, and I love him back. If you want a piece of Tony, you’re getting a piece of Jesus. I will chin anybody who puts shit on Tony,”

“Anyway, I just phoned Scott to say he’s a shithouse Christian right now because good Christians live and die by the principles of what I fucking taught. Which is do the right thing and be generous and kind. Don’t needlessly be a cunt to anyone! How hard is it?”

The Advocate reached out to the Office of the Prime Minister for comment but was told Scott Morrison is no longer fielding questions regarding anything he doesn’t want to be asked about.

More to come.


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