As local bloke Dipper (31) prepares to tie the knot, it seems that his pre-wedding bucks party logistics have been put in the hands of the last bloke that anyone wanted running the show.

It’s not because he’s a degenerate pig – although he definitely is – but it’s because he’s just flat out useless.

While debates rage with the bride over whether Dipper’s childhood friend Matty will join him on the altar as a groomsman, there seems to have been far less discussions about the role he would play in the bucks.

Ever since the first photo of an engagement ring went up on Instagram, Matty has demanded complete creative control of the weekend.

Hours after receiving the exciting news of upcoming nuptials, Matty tore open a 20-man group chat – including Dipper’s weirdo workmates that anyone else would have actively avoided inviting.

However, in in the excitement of it all, Matty has avoided any form of factional politics or friendship hierarchies – in his effort to curate on of the most hedonistic and morale-testing boys trips of all time.

His warm inclusiveness of the dumb arse brother of the bride and psychopathic cousins of the groom points to the fact that maybe he is just the man for the job. Unfortunately, there is also the issue of Matty being an idiot.

As a man who regularly runs out of petrol on the roadside and has not yet once paid taxes without any help from his older sister, Matty is commonly viewed as one of those blokes that you probably wouldn’t put in charge of a barbecue.

But his eagerness to organise the bucks has seen him beat any other contenders. This means everybody is now going to the Gold Coast for three days.

Now, after weeks of anxious waiting in a nearly forgotten group chat. Matty has returned with the most spectacular bucks party itinerary. Complete with run-sheets, confirmed bookings and alternative options – all under budget.

“I’ve put my bank details in the group chat if you want me to go ahead and lock this in” writes Matty, the guardian angel.

“I’ve obviously accounted for Dipper’s costs. He won’t be paying for anything”

“Should be a ripper lads. I look forward to meeting you all”

“And get fucken blind at the rippers ha ha ha”


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