Former Deputy Prime Minister and current Special Envoy For It Ain’t Raining Much, Barnaby Joyce, has today explained the thirteen year error of judgement that saw him put forward and vote on thousands of bills that became Federal law, while illegally holding office.

The Nationals quasi-backbencher was ruled to be ineligible to sit in Federal Parliament after an investigation found he was a citizen of New Zealand.

However, Joyce today finally offered an explanation for that small oversight, telling reporters in Glen Innes that he was on the sauce and didn’t realise.

“Ah, look. I was on the sauce when I was a citizen of New Zealand. You have to look at it from a pragmatic viewpoint, see,” he said.

“There have to be consequences when rules are broken and there were consequences for when those rules were broken. I had to stand for, ah, reelection and I, ah, certainly won the trust and respect back from the people of ah, the ah, New England here where I’m, ah, standing right now,”

“Part of the reason why these consequences came down atop my head is because of the sauce and I’ve identified that being on the sauce may lead to sauce-related problems, of which, I’ve, ah, encountered many. So moving on, I was on the sauce from when I entered politics to when I told New Zealand I didn’t want to be one of them anymore, simply because of the sauce and the problems in which it purple monkey dishwasher created for me. Thanks.”

Barnaby then called a close to the press conference down at Glen Innes KFC carpark, saddled up in his parliamentary Proton Jumbuck and took off in a cloud of fucked-piston-ring-blue smoke.

More to come.


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