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“This is my leader and I’m ambitious for him [hiccup]” declared a seemingly sincere Scott Morrison, with his hand wrapped around Malcolm Turnbull, the Prime Minister of Australia
The date was August 22, 2018. Within 48 hours Malcolm Turnbull had resigned and Scott Morrison was sent on as the lower-order leader of the Coalition Government.
Speaking exclusively to an undercover Betoota Advocate intern who was posing as a Pentecostal youth pastor while wearing a hidden camera, the Nightwatchman admits to it all. It wasn’t just Tony and Dutton. He was the puppeteer behind last August’s leadership spill that saw Australia change Prime Ministers for the 8th time in eleven years.
But it wasn’t the Scott Morrison that we know and love from that inappropriate tourism ad with Lara Bingle. The jovial happy clapping marketing executive wasn’t behind this. This was a different person. A dangerous person. A person we now know as ‘The Nightwatchman’.
As the man who so desperately wants to be called ScoMo admits, everything he did in the 6 months leading up until that point happened while clouded by a haze of pure sauce.
“I was drinking a lot” he said.
“Six Goldies day at my worst. It was a really bad time”
“My political ambitions weren’t being met. My burning desires were being held by a glass ceiling that came in the shape of a well-spoken small-L liberal who had endured great success in his life outside politics. It sent me on a spiral. Why did this man deserve to have it all. The skillset to find work outside of politics… and the badge of Prime Minister”
“That’s why I was drinking”
Morrison says that while he’s successfully managed to pull off the Boris Johnson-style everyman who accidentally ended up in the top job as a less terrifying alternative to Peter Dutton, it was actually all orchestrated. By him. While he was on the sauce.
“I felt the way I imagine a gay man feels trapped in a heterosexual marriage, which for most of my life is where I thought they should stay. Well, I still do technically… But, when it comes to this particular comparison that I now regret attempting to make… I felt I deserved more than living my life as a caged bird”
“Most caged birds sing… But this caged bird. She drank”
“Sorry. He drank. I’m talking about me. I’m the caged bird in the most recent metaphor”
Morrison then went on to explain how basically he spent 6 months undermining and white-anting Malcolm Turnbull in an effort to make sure the Liberal Party never won another election with him as leader.
It was a calculated plan that would completely remove the former Member for Wentworth’s weird multi-millionaire interests, like climate change and gay rights, from the entire political arena.
“If he won, the coal companies would be in trouble. If he won, we’d keep seeing convicted child abusing Priests being condemned by our political leaders. That isn’t my Australia”
The Nightwatchmen then paused before realising he was getting awfully deep for a light-hearted conversation with a stranger from his Cronulla Church.
“Anyway” he says, while straightening his jacket and wiping the villainous dilated pupils away.
“You go for the Sharks?”
“Haha go Sharkies!”