Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese has promised to repair the human warehouses that are Australian aged care homes, if he wins the election this year.

During Labor’s budget-in-reply speech last night, Albo pledged to boost aged workers pay as well – so that your grandparents aren’t treated like house plants by overworked and exhausted immigrants. As is currently the case.

It follows warnings that seniors are malnourished and forced to eat food that makes carers “want to vomit” and has left some seniors “literally starving” – according to countless inquiries and and reports.

“Tonight, I’m announcing Labor’s plan to put security, dignity, quality and humanity back into aged care,’’ Mr Albanese says.

“We’ve all been chilled by stories of unforgivable neglect. Maggots in wounds. People going days without fresh air, a shower, or a change of clothes.”

Albanese said that he knows the current government’s strategy of dealing with the aged care disaster – that has seen 50,000 premature deaths of senior citizens since 2017 – is to muddy the waters as to what level of government is actually in charge of this critical service.

Morrison’s finance Minister Simon Birmingham has already questioned Albo’s promises, stating that he finds Labor’s plan of making sure old people don’t die of malnutrition and poor hygiene ‘suspicious’.

However, the Opposition has vowed that if elected, they will end the culture of blaming the states for people dying under the watch. Starting with turning ‘aged care homes’ back into ‘nursing homes’ by providing 24 hour placements of permanent nurses for all.

Albanese will also tackle the ‘$6 a day’ standard of food, promising to make sure every senior citizen is afforded at least a FIFO mining camp standard of food.

“Our old codgers will live like Kings under an Albanese government” he said.

Albo paused and took a deep breathe, as his mouth started salivating.

“I’m talking wedges with the sweet chilli and sour cream” he puffed

“Hashies and beans. Bacon. Little chicken sausos”

“Holy shit. Like, maybe an old fashioned mining camp roast. I love wet lunch”

“Bitta pavlova too. With the Sara Lee vanilla ice cream”

“Fuck that sounds good aye. Basically all the stuff I’ve had to stop going near in order to lose 18 kilograms so that people stop confusing me with Morrison”


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