Scotty From Marketing has had to put on his Prime Minister hat this evening and lay down the law.

As the number 59 ticketholder Cronulla Sharks, the PM has acted quickly to stop any conversation around spectator-free games at Australian sporting events.

This comes as the NBA abruptly suspended its season on Wednesday after a Utah Jazz player was found to have tested positive for coronavirus moments before a game began in Oklahoma City.

Despite previously making it clear that they intend to do absolutely fuck all about the spread of Coronavirus, Scotty is growing more concerned that they might crumble to the precedent that has been set by more cautious sporting codes around the world.

To not be seen at the Cronulla Sharks match against the Rabbitohs this Sunday would be another blow to the Prime Minister’s marketing strategy.

“The show fucken goes on” spat Scotty, while on the phone to NRL CEO Todd Greenberg.

“We want them out there stimulating the economy with the $9 coca-colas and $10 meat pies”

“I’ve had a horrible Summer. I’m burning through the surplus every day and, on top of everything, the medical experts have just made me give money to those lazy pensioners who refuses to have a go”

As Scotty points out to Greenberg, the Summer of test cricket was far too boring to distract the nation from his incompetence in leading the nation through a tragic bushfire season – and he’s been banking on the NRL and AFL to give these peasants something else to get outraged about – instead of focusing on his decision to spend 12 day on a sun bed in Waikiki Beach while fireys and rural communities battled terrifying blazes and 3rd-world air quality for months on end.

“Don’t you fucken dare think about cancelling my photo opportunity”

“The people need feel like they are going to be okay.”

“And the best way for them to feel like they are going to be okay is to see their Prime Minister acting like what my marketing focus groups suggest a normal person acts like”

“They need to see me cheering for two hours in a corporate box with a litre of hand sanitiser and a private GP”


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here