ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The government says cash payments are enough for welfare recipients to get back on their feet and anything more would send the wrong message to those currently looking for work.

Since announcing details of their landmark stimulus package, Josh Frydenberg and Scott Morrison have both resisted calls from the community to also give Centrelink customers a go.

When asked by a reporter if a go should’ve been added to payments this morning during the stimulus package announcement in Canberra, Josh From Kooyong was quick to throw water on it.

“The Go is one of the most sacred aspects of our society, we don’t go about giving them to people flippantly,” he said.

“A Go must be earned – or you’re born into a family of Go recipients. The easiest way to get a Go in Australia is to come out of the right vagina.”

He paused for laughter.

“No, cash payments are enough. If there’s one thing poor people do better than anyone else is spending money on useless shit they don’t need,”

“So to answer your question, no. However, we are open to providing emergency bootstraps for those who really need a go at this time.”

The Prime Minister gripped the lectern and let a shiver dart down his spine.

“That’s the shit, Joshy,”

“Oh me, oh my,”

“That’ll be all guys.”

More to come.


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