Deputy Prime Minister and Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce says his party will deliver a response to a net zero emissions climate policy by the end of the week, 7 days after they were supposed to have an answer.

Mr Joyce has set up an advisory group within the Nationals to assess their demands in response to the climate policy platform in an effort to help secure a deal, which they hope won’t affect the unsustainable pillaging of earth and accelerated burning of fossil fuels that they have promised the mining and gas lobbyists that they are all beholden to.

The Coalition’s rush to reach a consensus over the net zero emissions target by 2050 comes after Scotty couldn’t help but RSVP attending to the UN climate summit in Glasgow at the end of October.

Scotty was originally not going to go, because having a conversation about the legitimacy of climate change means that everything he campaigned on last election was for nothing – and would signify a complete betrayal of his carbon-exposed voter base and National Party allies.

However, after being pressured to attend the summit by people he respects far more than Barnaby Joyce (President Joe Biden, Boris Johnson, The Queen) – Scotty From Marketing has had to quickly pretend he has always believed the scientists that have been begging his government to please listen to them for the last 20 years.

Of course, mandating a Net Zero policy would actually require some hard work out of Australia’s laziest public servant, so instead he’s handed over all the tough decisions to his colleagues least likely to accept the shifting public sentiment towards fossil fuels, the Nationals.

Unfortunately, after a week it looks like the Nats are nowhere near okay with this brave new world, with several MPs coming out and saying that they still refuse to believe the science.

“It’s not like we are anti-science” said one nameless central Queensland backbencher who we will never hear of again after next election.

“We respect the science of the weatherman when he tells us good news”

“And we eventually accepted the findings of those doctors who told us to take the pandemic seriously or else a whole bunch of men who look like us will start dying in the street”

“It’s just these measly climate scientists. Why should we respect the findings of scientists whose life work surrounds the alarming research that could affect the profit margins of our biggest donors”

“This is not something that will overly affect us in our lifetime, so why in the fuck should we care about the kids. Or the reef? Haha”

“Dig that coal baby”


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