Local firecrotch Nigel Crimson (30) says after a lifetime of being the but of easy jokes, he’s actually surprised that his people were spared from the crosshairs of Israel Folau’s religious persecution.

“Basically, ever since that South Park video, everyone has ridiculed me for not having a soul and being destined for hell” says the timid bloodnut.

“When I heard that Izzy had published a list of the people that he thinks are going to hell, I braced myself for the worst”

On Wednesday night Folau posted to his Instagram account that: “hell awaits drunks, homosexuals, adulterers, liars, fornicators, thieves, atheists and idolators” — adding they should “repent”.

To Nigel’s relief, Israel Folau, had actually left rangas off his list – instead opting to vilify gays and the other niche types of sinners – such as idolators – which are apparently people that believe in Santa Claus or something.

Nigel admits the main reason he had expected the worst was because of the amount of shit he copped after the infamous ‘fuck you ranga’ skit from Summer Heights High.

“I learnt pretty early on that Chris Lilley’s depiction of young Tongan men was wildly inaccurate, but part of me still felt like I was going to cop shit from Folau”

“Luckily, it was only the gays” he said.

“…and the adulterers, and liars, and fornicators, and thieves and atheists, and Idolators”

“Which I guess includes me as well. I’ve done all of those things at some point this year”

“But so has every single person associated with rugby union, fans and players”


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