LOUIS BURKE | In-Depth | CONTACT
Since becoming Prime Minister 18 months ago, Scott Morrison has worked tirelessly to make sure every Australian knows he is a regular, university-educated, highly religious white-collar battler just like you.
After succeeding the least relatable Prime Minister in the history of humans, Morrison wants Australians to know that he cares about the issues they face because he is just like them in every single way.
It’s why they call him Scotty From Marketing, he thinks.
Because in some bizarre leap of logic, he believes the ‘From Marketing’ part of his nickname is a compliment aimed at highlighting how he just another normal bloke like the type of people who work in marketing.
Prime Minister Morrison extended an invitation for me to join him in his modest first property in Sydney’s Sutherland Shire to talk about life, politics and why he is the perfect man to represent all Australians.
“My favourite movie is Click!” exclaimed an excited Scott Morrison before we had even introduced ourselves.
Walking through his home past a photo of his wife, daughters and a framed lump of coal, the Prime Minister offered me a seat on his back veranda, cracking open a bottle of Hahn Premium Light with a bottle opener, despite our insistent reminders that it is a twist top beverage.
“Sorry about the mess!” stated Morrison as he packed away a Netball that was still in the packaging.
“Man cave is still under construction!”
Turning on my tape recorder, I sat down for a chat with the leader of our nation, hoping to provide Australians with a better understanding of a man who once told refugees that they would be better off returning to their war then having to deal with his immigration policies.
L: What were your early years like?
PM: I was rebellious as a child. Sometimes I would just tuck into a sandwich without even saying grace first. I love a triple-decker sambo, don’t you?
L: Depends what’s on it.
PM: Ham.
L: Yeah alright.
PM: Yes. So I think my sandwich habits and rebellious streak taught me that doing the wrong thing is just not right most of the time, which is why I believe in following all of the rules all of the time.
L: Then can you explain to readers why you voted to block the royal commission into banking?
PM: Well Lou, I am for all Australians and our brave men and women in the banking industry deserve a fair go and they weren’t going to get that from Shorten’s dodgy commission. Australians deserved better than Shorten. Do you know he doesn’t even watch Top Gear?
L: I did not.
PM: Well he doesn’t! He doesn’t even know who The Stig is!
L: Isn’t that kind of the point?
PM: The point is Lou, Click is a masterpiece because it has humour and it has heart. How sad were you in the bit when Adam Sandler’s dad died?
L: I don’t think I’ve seen Click.
PM: What!?
L: I think I saw it a while ago after it came out but I wasn’t really into it.
PM: Good golly Louis, you are missing out mate! I’ve got it on DVD somewhere, I’ll lend it to you how about that?
L: Really, that isn’t necessary.
PM: Come on buddy, I am the Prime Minister for all Australians and that includes people like you who haven’t watched Click recently. You call yourself a bloody journalist mate haha! What happened to journalistic standards? Adam Sandler is so funny haha. But yeah, not just funny. Because this movie has a message. He shows compassion and empathy to his fellow man.
L: Speaking of compassion and empathy, what do you have to say to Australia’s rural fire fighting volunteers who have been growing increasingly hostile towards your seemingly incompetent crisis management skills.
PM: Nah, they don’t talk about that in Click.
L: That’s not what we’re talking about.
PM: Yes we are, it’s my favourite film! That, and then Flubber, Avatar, Wall-E and The Hurt Locker. Hang on, Wall-E then Avatar, then Hurt Locker. Honourable mention to Master and Commander.
L: Could we please get back on track?
PM: Of course.
L: If you could make one big change, what would you want it to be?
PM: Well of course, there is a lot of responsibility if you had the remote control from Click. I guess the first thing I would do is –
L: – No this isn’t a hypothetical question about the film Click.
PM: Are you sure?
L: Yes.
PM: You should have made that clear.
L: I did.
PM: How about I answer your original question first? I would pause time in parliament and fart in Shorten’s dumb face like Adam Sandler does to David Hasselhoff in Click.
L: This was not my original question.
PM: But Shorten wouldn’t even notice that hey? He’s used to that smell from all that time he spent around union bosses!
L: This isn’t the direction I wanted this interview to go.
PM: Mention that I like footy.
L: Which code?
PM: Yes.
L: How important is your religion to you?
PM: It’s the most important thing to me after my religious family of course.
L: Do you see your religion being an obstacle you may have to overcome in order to represent all Australians?
PM: Of course not, Christianity is all about compassion.
L: Then how do you justify those held in detention off-shore under governments you’ve worked in? Or the families whose houses were burning when you took off on a holiday to Hawaii last month.
PM: Oh don’t worry, I don’t think they were Christian.
L: That’s not my point.
PM: I don’t think you have a point Louis! Unlike the film Click which has a strong message about family. It’s actually why it’s one of my favourite films you know. I don’t want to spoil too much because I’ll lend you my copy, but there’s one scene with his son –
L: Can I have another beer?
PM: Sure! I’m for all Australians! Fat Yak alright? Only the mid strengths in this house. It isn’t Mardi Gras [haha]”
“Just let me find my bottle opener. I’ll see if I can find my DVD copy of Click while I’m there…
More to come.
