Local News

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTEven though it is the month of September, many retailers have made Christmas supplies available for purchase, causing the nation to collective ask them to go and get fucked. Not content with bleeding us to a husk during two consecutive crises, supermarkets and retailers have already begun reminding us that our yearly financial sacrifice to the retail Gods is...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact “You don’t understand Laura, men are visual creatures.” This is the excuse local man Timothy Albert has found himself using this morning, after yet again being caught scrolling through bikini accounts on Instagram while he ate his morning cereal, as though it was as normal as perusing the news. “We’re just wired differently”, he continued, acting...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA poorly worded success story has begun in the Betoota Old City District today as a ladder climber has finally become important enough to do away with email etiquette.  One of the most dire uses of the English language, email etiquette is the practice of hoping people are doing well while disguising your disgust as courtesy.  However, it is only...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactFeeling the burning sensation of two pairs of eyes boring into him from across the room, local man John Haversham lets out a small laugh as he gingerly fingers the brim of his fancy new hat. What can he say, he does look good tonight, and despite those two pairs of eyes belonging to a couple who were both...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA brilliant piece of rebranding might see Aussie farmers flock to renewable power by rebranding wind turbine farms as ‘air shearing’. According to year 8 history classes and the Easter Show, Australia rode into prosperity on the sheep’s back with shepherds and shearers still being amongst the nation’s proudest farmers. With all carbon neutral farmers too busy being interviewed by...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTWith just a month to go until the referendum, some Australians are looking forward to promoting/blocking a small change in our constitution while many more are just looking forward to this whole horrible back-and-forth ending. One good thing that has come from this head vice of a discourse is a chance to cull all the pricks you’re friends with...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTIn a throwback to the sort of headlines that we thought were ruining the world back in 2014, the Legalise Cannabis Party has put forward a new bill and you’ll never guess what it’s for.Having the small amount of political power usually reserved for medium level donors and yacht owners who have a mate at the council, the...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTIn breaking news from Betoota’s social scene, a wedding is off and a diamond ring is up for grabs for anyone looking to cash in on a bargain. The news comes as local paralegal Eliza Lee-Jameson (29) listed an 18k white gold engagement ring on Facebook marketplace this week, with the view to sell ‘immediately’. For local financial...

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTA local gym rat is expected to be nominated for an Oscar this evening after putting on a dramatic display in the gym.Duncan Cutler, 28, is gunning for Most Outstanding Performance in a Weights Room after overloading a leg press machine and almost getting crushed by the weight of his own ego.Having spent the last five...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local bloke has this week unwittingly found himself switching to some sugar free alcoholic drinks, after his girlfriend went rogue at the bottle shop, it’s reported. Much like the time he also somehow found himself on his girlfriend’s paleo diet, Evan Campbell , tells our reporter that a simple request to grab some grog saw him trying some...