Local News

Local Mum And Dad Investors Laugh At Son’s Withering Crypto Portfolio

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Martin Huntley was mildly impressed two months ago when his youngest proudly stated that he'd turned a lazy grand into twenty - taking just weeks, not years as one would expect on the share market. He urged his son to sell before Christmas. But Johnathon Huntley laughed and told his Dad that he had rocks in...

Local Bar’s Unbeatable SuperBowl Drink Specials Somehow Fail To Lure People In At 9am On A Monday

SACHA COMB | American Sport | Contact Believe it or not, a popular French Quarter sports bar is empty this morning as the NFL SuperBowl kicks off this morning local time in Los Angeles. That's despite the general manager of Franks Bar & Grill posting a number of times to the venue's social media accounts advertising cut-price food and drink. Miles Hogg...

Bloke Sporting Moonboot Down At The Pub Should Probably Just Be At Home

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Four weeks after jumping off a roof, breaking his tibia, fibula and two metatarsals, a popular electrician was spotted last night dragging his moon-booted foot around the French Quarter from nitespot to nitespot. Just why Peter Fresh lept from his third story rooftop remains a mystery. But that was New Years Eve, a long time ago. Last night, the 25-year-old...

Life’s Eternal Question Answered As Straight Man Gets Hit On In Gay Club

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact Cameron Young (26) can now die happy. Waking up from a night of drinking and pointless conversation, Young recalled visiting a gay club with his friends and being hit on by a man. According to Young, as the night digressed he and his friends visited infamous Betoota Valley niteclub, The Miner’s Shaft (est. 1891), for...

New Research Indicates That It’s Impossible To Regret A Swim

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A damning report into the town's public swimming pool has concluded that nobody has ever regretted having a swim in the Old City District institution's 75-year history. The Shire Council spent close to $40 at OfficeWorks printing off a short questionnaire that asked pool-goers if they've ever been for a swim and lived to regret...

Homeowner On Outskirts Of Town Has A Plan For Those Cars

TRACEY BENDINGER | Automotive | Contact Betoota Lakes man, Baydon Manning (57) has today defended himself, again, against claims that his car ever-growing collection is an eyesore. The collection, which is made up of over 100 unregistered cars in varying stages of rust and decay, is the first sight residents and tourists see when they drive into Betoota – and...

Local Bloke Reckons He Might Let The Dogs Out Tonight, Just Quietly

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local city worker has immediately cleared his evening schedule the moment an ice cold schooner touched his lips this afternoon. Mickey De Santis, a local graphic design and signage specialist from Betoota plains has just felt a thick plume of steam roll up the back of his shirt and out his collar. "AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" he says. "That's pretty fucking good" With maybe...

Local Mother’s Foul Mood Put In Context By Today’s Horoscope

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The Skovgaard household woke this morning to their matriarch shouting into the fridge. "If you finishing the fucking milk, don't put the empty carton back in the fucking fridge!" Rolf Skovgaard, 17, shot bolt upright in bed at around 7am, moments after hearing his mother Ingrid scream about the milk. He'd had a Milo just before bed and...

Student Inspired To Become A Journalist After #Metoo Stuck Writing MAFS Recaps

INGRID DOULTON | Education | Contact There was a time when Fiona Sears thought journalism could change the world. That time is passed. Spending close to two years learning how to write, ask and interpret left the 21-year-old feeling weary and burned out - but with a diploma in her hand and a mortarboard photograph for Mum, Dad and Grandma Joh, her hopes in reporting the...

Lifelong Public Servant Uses Taxpayer-Funded Pension To Sue Taxpayer-Funded Broadcaster

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The net result to the taxpayer should be nil, according to Kevin Rudd. Taking offence to an article published by the ABC, the former prime minister this morning announced his intention to sue the public broadcaster for public money, using public money given to him. "They said I lied and that's not correct," said Rudd. "The one who lied is Peter...

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