Local News

Man’s Primary School Sport Achievements Hold Just As Much Value As His Crypto Portfolio

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact “Mate, I can swim way faster than you!” Bryan Maison skited to his clearly fitter friend. “On what planet?” laughed Joel Addington. “What makes you think that you’re a better swimmer than me?” asked Joel. “In primary school I was age-champion for swimming every single year, I was so fast people thought I had gills and flippers!” It’s believed that Joel was...

Report: Nothing More Sweaty Than An Ex-Queenslander Visiting Home After Acclimatising Down South

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact A recent report looking what the world’s sweatiest thing is has revealed that something in Australia has taken out the prized number one spot – even ahead of a taxi driver in an ’89 Camry driving through Texas with the windows up and no air-con. In what can only be described as a great honour for Queenslanders, the report...

Site Manager Throws On These Bad Boys To Let The Subbies Know He’s Done His Time On The Tools

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local site manager responsible for overseeing the never-ending construction of Betoota's light rail has today flexed on his subordinates with a sparkling clean pair of corporate-friendly work boots. William Rogerson (38) says it's about time these dumb tradies learn that he used to be one of them, before his basic management skills and punctuality landed him in the...

Exam Supervisor Pretending Like She’s Got Better Things To Do

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Summer school is coming to an end at South Betoota Polytechnic College which means exams have already started. For the four score and three students who made the decision to fuck their last term of study up by having too many bamboo schooners when they should've either been in class or doing homework, the summer...

Local Class Traitor Sits In The Back Seat Of The Uber Like It’s A Limo

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local bartender has today indicated that he thinks he is far too important to share his personal space with another shift worker. After booking a ride home after a few afternoon beers with coworkers at the pub they all work at, Todd Comino (22) has opted to spend big and book a 2012 Hyundai Accent Sport 1.6...

Busy Co-Worker Hoping Someone Notices Them Having Lunch At Their Desk

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Lisa Hughes (37) reached dizzying heights of busy today, as the ambiguously titled Office Administrator ate lunch at her desk, something she hopes her co-workers will take notice of. At approximately 12 pm today, Hughes was seen heating her lunch up in the office microwave, muttering to herself about all the things she has to do, before walking...

Local Woman Tagging Partner In Relationship Memes Knows Full Well His Mates Can See It Too

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact "Oh God, what has she done now?" he said. The third push notification of the morning appeared on Justin Rawlin's phone and it sent a shiver down his spine. "It used to give me butterflies he said - once upon a time," "Now it just fills me with anxiety knowing that people on my Facebook, some of which...

Internet In First World Country Brought To Its Knees By Afternoon Shower

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact Productivity has plummeted even further at a firm in the Old City District today thanks to a run of the mill afternoon shower. Despite the fact that pretty much everyone has stopped turning up to work, Celia Ho unfortunately still has a couple of meetings and jobs she needs to finish before the Christmas break. The Accounts Manager at a firm in...

Man Throws Group Chat Commitmentphobes Under The Bus By Proposing

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A local man has caused headaches for all of his friends today. The late 20-something-man named Ben Thomspon has done so by deciding to propose to his long-term girlfriend. His proposal this afternoon to his soon-to-be wife has caused tremors amongst his friendship group. The tremors stem from the fact that Thompson's actions have now put all of his friends and...

Agency Suit Awkwardly Laughs At Something He Was 65% Sure Required A Laugh

TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Sitting in a meeting at a local marketing agency, Simon Harper, a soulless suit, has just laughed at what he’s pretty sure is a joke told by his client, Emma. In the real world, the attempt at humour would be met with crickets, however, in this instance, Simon was required to laugh – well, he thinks he was meant...

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