Local News

ALISON SCHENK | Entertainment | ContactDIAMOND IN THE ROUGH: Celebrations are heavily underway today as French Quarter resident and introvert Marya has reportedly discovered a hairdresser who doesn’t do small talk.  After years of gruelling research and analysis involving extensive chit-chats, musings, “not much”’s, and “yeah pretty good”’s, the 33 year old Paralegal has stated she has finally found her ‘home’, her ‘nice quiet...

ALISON SCHENK | Entertainment | ContactIt was touch-and-go at a Betoota Heights household this week, when Marketing Manager Jeremy (49) brought home a brand new flat screen “that’ll knock your socks off”. However, the purchase wasn’t well received by Jeremy’s wife, 45 year old HR Manager Camila-Rose, as Jeremy initially pitched the new investment to his betrothed as a ‘4K TV’. Despite following the...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A family pizza night at one of Betoota's favourite woodfired joints has once again been spoiled this week, after a cultured older sister ordered a controversial menu item. This has only happened because the menu item itself appears to be perfectly normal, except for one ingredient: the sour and cruel canned seafood known as anchovy. The pizza in question arrives...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woman has today been forced to defend her decision to adopt a chihuahua, after her boyfriend complained that the ‘bloody thing seemed scared to be alive.’ Steph Alpine, 25, says she always wanted to own one after watching Legally Blonde as a kid, insisting that ‘Nugget’ is actually quite forthcoming when you get to know him, and...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local salesman, usually based out of the Betoota CBD, has today found himself reacquainted with his first true love from the late 1990s. Turkish bread. Once a staple for every high school art teacher, the trendiness of Turkish bread has waned in recent decades. Discarded by inner-city cafes to make room for the breads that are somehow even higher...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA French Quarter bloke has earned himself a lifelong nickname over the weekend, after failing to store a bag of cocaine in his wallet properly despite only having it for roughly half an hour. No doubt absolutely making some stranger’s weekend with this terrible faux pas, Jason Paxton is likely to have lost it in the small window of...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Scientists and researchers in the field of health, wellness and longevity have today been told to head to Betoota Heights. While the unusual request might seem perplexing to anyone familiar with the project home capital of the Channel Country, scientists have been told they'll find a modern miracle if they make the trip. The modern miracle in question is...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woman in dire need of some compliments has this week roped some girlfriends into getting her anonymous questions started, by asking a series of tailored questions, it’s reported. For those less tech savvy, NGL is a message prompt that people can add to their story, which allows followers to send questions anonymously. Though this feature is mostly...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAn attractive French Quarter woman with a flair for the dramatics has today completed the unhinged hot girl cycle, by changing her Instagram display photo to a glamorous cartoon, it’s reported. Showing our reporter an image of a Bratz girl recreating the famous scene from Jennifer’s Body where Megan Fox burns her tongue, Avenue Manning, 25, says she resonates...

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Betoota Ponds bloke has found himself somehow managing to fuck up what could have been a long and prosperous relationship, by accidentally sharing a glimpse of his bizarre Youtube history. It’s alleged Jamie Hughes had been just about to pop on a movie with his date Sarah, when he had the inexplicable male urge to show her a...