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TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Bill Messenger has been the lead detective on a number of Betoota’s most mysterious crimes, all of which he single-handedly solved. So, when it comes to his deductive abilities, he’s second to none. Unable to turn off his incredible mind, an off-duty Bill has found himself drawing some pretty solid conclusions about a grown man sitting at the same...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT In what has been described as the ultimate elephant-and-the-mouse scenario, 82-year-old John Nguyen is now best friends with 19-year-old Kelly Sampson. It's a lifelong bond that was forged in the fire of chaotic mail deliveries and non-stop phone calls to the front desk. John, the mail clerk for a thirteen floor office block in the Betoota Flight Path District Business...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Chronic overthinker Ella Wells has today heeded her friend Jessica’s advice, and taken some much needed time to practice mindfulness. The 24-year-old office worker had been ranting to her mate about a catty clique at work when meditation was helpfully suggested as a coping mechanism. However, the fact that Jessica neither had a debilitating abusive self monologue or...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT In a sign of the times, 5 of the world’s largest baseball cap manufacturers have agreed to supply installation instructions with each cap sold following a series of social media fashion faux pas.    The instructions, which will include diagrams as well as text are designed to be used by all ages and will start appearing in stores in the next few months. A spokesman for...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A nervous bachelor has royally fucked up in the presence of a potential suitor by committing a series of dating faux pas. Adrian Ellis, says he chose his favourite gastropub as Tuesday nights had a bunch of two for one specials on including spicy BBQ hot wings for 50cs a piece. After a long day at work, the...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local man is currently treating himself to a little bit of self-loving this evening. With the sun setting on yet another Valentine's day without a girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband or significant other, Will Mcrae decided to get himself a present. Rather than manifest his self-care in the form of a traditional gift like some overpriced headphones or a wanky watch, the...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT A new report has found that a plastic rose from the local servo, valued at only $5.95, is the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. Totem Tennis Coach Larry Pearson, from Men Against Love Expressed Sentimentally (MALES) says the report was compiled in an attempt to highlight the importance of providing a token gift of affection, whilst at the same...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Local boy, Dominic Miller, has made the mistake of believing his overall position score actually matters to anyone. During a conversation with adults a good ten years his senior, the peppy law student happily quipped that his ATAR was in the 99's before asking the entire table what their score was. Much to his surprise, Dominic was met...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT All models of Ford’s BA Falcon are urgently being recalled after multiple reports of traction loss in late-night back street settings such as industrial estates and incomplete residential developments. The popular BA Falcon, built between 2002 and 2005, was available in a wide variety of 6 and 8 cylinder configurations and with a wide range of body styles including...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT Coming full circle today, Celebrity Chef George Calombaris has found himself back where it all began. The once-popular MasterChef host announced that his MAdE Establishment group has gone into voluntary administration as a result of 'outside forces.' This announcement comes a suspiciously short time after the group was forced to back pay over $7.8 million in ripped off...