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TRACEY BENDINGER | Culture | Contact Local woman, Prue Salman, experienced what’s known as NFI Disorder this weekend after hearing her builder say something about a spirit level, a bubble and a wall while giving her an update on her apartment renovation. NFI, short for No Fucking Idea, is a disorder that can affect anyone, with victims usually showing signs of vagueness, dizziness, repeating themselves and slow...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT In a surprising move, Apple has revealed the next generation of AirPods will feature string holding the earbuds to each other and the device. Artemius Sham, Head of Product Development, said the new, user-driven design was an attempt to solve some common customer complaints about the existing product.  “Some users have reported losing their AirPods due to their compact size and...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As the nation's comfortable white collars and politicians urge people who are feeling a bit unwell to self-quarantine and work from the couch for the next 14 days, a large portion of the Australian population have been left confused as to what the fuck 'work from home' even means. For the many working class Australians who are casually employed...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A new report by people who are hysterically panic-buying non-perishable groceries like characters on The Walking Dead has found that the Coronavirus causes people to do heaps of poops. This comes as Woolworths applies a four-pack limit to purchases of goona wrap as the virus-prepping empties supermarket shelves of household staples. WORRIED ABOUT CORONAVIRUS AND KIDS? LISTEN TO OUR FATHERHOOD...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT In an extraordinary move, God has been issued with a $220 fine for “gross breaches of Level 2 Water Restrictions” as a direct consequence of the massive deluge which has recently struck the east coast. “We are serious about Water Restrictions and nobody is immune, not even on religious grounds,” said Minister for Water, Property and Housing Melinda Pavey in a...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT In a blow for the scientific community, a prominent anti-vaxxer has announced that she has not been affected by Coronavirus, despite not being vaccinated for it since she was born in 1978. Janet Black, who now goes by the name of Destiny Aquarius, is a proud anti-vaccination advocate, as were the rest of her family, most of which...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A recent report by the lads has found that one of the more blissfully ignorant blokes at the pub this arvo hasn't read any news about this new virus thingy, so just fuck up about it. Braden, a 32-year-old fumigator and father-of-three, doesn't read much news because he reckons the news is for losers. In fact, the closest thing to...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A new report released today has confirmed that all sport for children that involves any potential form of contact should be banned. The scientific study revealed that any form of activity that could lead to a 'child touching another child, falling over, bumping into something, or getting hit by something' should no longer be allowed. "The potential for...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT A local investment property owner from Betoota Grove has today celebrated his 60th birthday in style. The semi-retired legal practitioner who once held moderately progressive social and economic views has brought in a new decade surrounded by friends and family. Despite his oldest grandchild (9), who will grow up in a climate of anxiety and likely crisis, sitting...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT A local man has today gotten himself into an awkward predicament at a dinner party. Ryan Mann reveals to The Advocate that he’d found himself seated next to some absolute bores and wasn’t sure how he could find a way to swiftly exit the conversation without being too obvious. The situation was made even worse by the sounds...