LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact

Friend of the Groom and alleged ‘best man reserve’ Kyle Colliery (28) started the first day of the rest of his mate’s life feeling like he’d been eaten and shat out by a heartburn suffering, alcoholic elephant in the zoo section of a Thai prison. 

Having never been to a country wedding before, Colliery was not prepared for the amount of mainstream beer he’d be forced to endure. 

“They also wouldn’t stop talking about golf,” stated Colliery.

Colliery’s suffering was not long for this world it would seem, as uncle of the Groom Frederick “Farkis” Archibald (66) decided to sort the young man out before he eventually succumbed to his deadly hangover. 

“Alright soft cock, wrap your kombucha loving pussy lips around a proper drink,” stated Farkis as he rinsed a jar previously used as an ashtray and got to work.

“Do you know if they have any aged worcestershire?”

Farkis then proceeded to mix a drink he calls Farkis’s Unfucker, a concoction he claims to have invented in 1973 while hungover on a camping trip with Chad Morgan and Gordon Tallis’s dad. 

Watching Farkis mix the drink which included tomato sauce, flour and orange drink, Colliery was pretty sure this drink would be the last thing he tasted before his hot brain expanded from his skull and choked him to death.

Colliery managed to survive long enough to see uncle Farkis complete the creation of his remedy which he presented with the style of an Adriano Zumbo who used knives as weapons instead of utensils.

“One more thing Kylie [sic] make sure you use orange drink and not any fruity organic juices that basically make you grow a vag.”

“There ya go, this should put some hairs on your callus-free leftie chest ya little girl-baby.”

According to Colliery, the remedy managed to clear his head of the aching pain of a hangover as his brain was briefly filled with questions about why he actually drunk this and if drinking Pine O Cleen really made you as strong as Farkis claims.


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