ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The nation’s peak scientific body has released a new report into how much this planet is fucked this week which concluded that Earth will be hotter than Doug Bollinger’s scalp by the middle of this century.

In the wake of Glenn McGrath’s retirement after the 2006-07 Ashes, a bowling spot in the Australian cricket Test side opened up and a number of bowlers threw their caps into the ring. None were better that Doug Bollinger’s blue cap, apparently, and the big New South Welshman was drafted into the team.

In a moment of madness, Bollinger decided to treat himself to some blonde hair plugs to cover up his dignified cueball. The nation had lost their seam-bowling Billy Corgan.

However, due to the nature of the plugs, much of the heat coming off Doug’s rippled torso was trapped under the new birds nest.

“It was at least two to five degrees hotter than what the atmosphere was,” said the CSIRO’s cricket analyst John Drake.

“Which is what our climate will be like by 2050 if we all don’t start cutting our carbon emissions. There’s probably more accurate ways of explaining this but nobody seems to read or even care about these reports. It’s grim but with the help of Doug, we hope more people will click through and read something,”

“God forbid, put some pressure on the government to do something meaningful. Otherwise, we have as much chance of saving this planet as Chris Martin chasing ten runs on an absolute road in Pakistan. We’d be fucked.”

The Advocate reached out to Doug Bollinger for comment but he now has a job and can’t be just answering calls while he’s on the clock.

More to come.


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