EFFIE BATEMAN Lifestyle Contact

In some truly groundbreaking psychology findings, researchers specialising in millennial relationship trends have found a startling correlation between having a crush on the Jackass crew as a teenager, and how it affects their relationships as an adult.

Dividing the study into three main components – if you’re team Johnny, Bam or Steve-O, the researchers were able to accurately pinpoint a millennial woman’s dating life by her answer.

We speak to one of the leading experts, Dr. Tina Nelson.

“Obviously having a crush on men hurting themselves is itself, a red flag”, explains Tina, “so starting at that baseline, we’re already seeing a correlation between liking a Jackass boy, and having turbulent adult relationships.”

“However, we’re seeing some key differences depending on which bloke you picked.”

Looking at our reporter’s perplexed expression, Tina says Johnny was the most obvious, and acceptable choice, seeing as he didn’t do quite as many fucked stunts as everyone else.

“Johnny’s pretty understandable, that man will always be fine as hell. And I’d say regardless of the whole sadism thing, he’s a pretty good example of positive masculinity.”

“And you can’t deny he’s not charismatic.”

“But Bam”, Tina says, with emphasis, “is where it gets slippery.”

“He was obviously very cute, but a massive asshole.”

“Especially to his poor mum.”

“So if he was your pick, I’d say get cracking on some therapy.”

“As for if you liked Steve-o…”

“I’d say it’s very unlikely you’ve had a relationship last more than six months.”

When asked what it meant if you liked all three, Tina just lets out a short laugh.

“It means you’re probably a hoe.”

More to come.


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